Tuesday, November 30, 2004

And now a word from our sponsers....

Carpenters now a days are starving to death all over the country *carpenter guy falls over onto board full of nails* need... *cough*...food! Well now these pointless deaths can be solved with this revolutinary new invention! Turkey Tape! Just rip some off and take a bite! mmmmm tastes like momma use to make! *eyes start to water*It's made of 99.99% real artificial turkey meat! *shows turkeys in plant being plucked of feathers then flattened by by a giant metal box into a bloddy mass* This product is guarnteed to fulfill all daily nutritional values of a rodent and/or living dead and give you energy to spare! *man with hard hat holds up turkey tape and gives a big toothy smile* Before I discovered.... Turkey Tape...I would..hit my head on things that make me go ouch... and not be able to finish my work without taking a break to look at porn....I mean eat lunch. But now with....Turkey Tape... I can eat and work at the same time!? So gobble gobble!? and buy some today! *gives big toothy smile* O.K. how was *cut to phone number and product information* Buy some Turkey Tape today! Just dail 555-588-93-I want some gobble gobble in my life or else call my a fucking bastard-666-231 and order today!


hey there kids if you like to hop..LALALALALA...if your reading a book you might as well stop...doodoodoo...becasue theres a new toy in town! If you wanna fly up and fall back down! , YOU BETTER BUY LEMON POGO TODAY! no matter your race, size, shape, political opinion, type of pancake or toaster, or if you thiiink its gaaaaaaay....because we control your brain! LADADDADDAAAAAAAAAAA!! little girl: man i really like lemons...little boy: yeah and i really like pogo sticks...both:if only there was a way to have them both! ...man: now there is!! little kids : WHHHAAAAT?!?! man: yes thats RIGHT! ...little girl: oh my gosh! its ...its, well...who is it? man: ITS THE LEMON POGO STICK YO! BISH! Yes children thats right! All that you love about lemons....AND A POGO STICK! ITS A LEMON SHAPPED POGO STICK!! *hops in on pogo stick* *boing squish boing squish* AAAAAAAAA MY EYES! *as lemon squirts juice* I mean wow i want one! voice: well you children cant have any.... kids: awwwwwe, man: yeah you got to pay you little bastards! girl: i dont have any money! man: Thats simple just go beg your parents to buy you one! And if they say no, say you'll commit suicide! boy: whats a suuuwwwciiide? man: well jimmy...boy: my name is billly...man: shut up tommy, boy: its billy..
man: who cares what suicide is as long as you get your toy! kids: alright!! man: hey kids..all out there..bye a lemon pogo stick...or maybe bye five...tell your mommies and your daddies too...that if you dont get one you'll commit suicide! *little peppy jingle* Go buy one, you know you wanna! its a lemon not a llama! If you think its totally gay! I will make sure that you pay! Go buy one now, you little bastard! If you don't I'll kick your ass...rd!


*norseman walks into perfume store with a giant battle ax* *smiling blond walks over* "How may I help you sir?" "Well it's my wifes birthday today and I wanted to get her something nice. She usualy smells like burnt horse meat and I wanted to get her something diffrent." "Well sir try new Norsewoman brand Wet Dog! It's for those sexy norsewomen that want to seem
sophisticated and at the same time turn their men on!" "No thank you. How bout something else?" "Well what about this lovely animal carcass. It comes in 3 designer animals! Bear, goat, and beaver. They go well with any furniture placement and add the scent of rotting flesh to the room without wasting an outlet and don't need batterys unlike those other more expensive brands. And it only costs 10 chickens and a rabbit!" "No that's still kinda pricey. Anything I can get for a rabbit and 2 slaves?" "Of course! We have many reasonably priced gifts. How about a beautiful wrist-sundail! It accurately keeps track of months, days, and hours, glows in the dark and its solar powered!" "Wow great!" "Another satisfied customer at Norsewoman Boutique!"


Are you plauged by bad credit and can't afford even the simplest luxurys in life? *shows man trying to buy playboy* "Sorry sir your credit card is no good" Wanna get creditors off your back? *mob is beating a man on the ground with baseball bats* "We warned you when you missed you last payment on your lemon pogo stick!" Well your credit problems can be solved when you come down to Satan's Credit Union! Our staff is friendly and made up of only the finest torturers, demons, and lawyers we could find! *shows 9 foot tall muscle man with a black hood on his head wearing a suit* "How may I help you today sir?" And anybody can apply! Even if you had bad credit in the past, have low income, or even slaughtered thousands of innocent lives we will still look at your credit problems in a fair and balanced matter. All it costs is your immortal human soul! So come on down to Satan's Credit Union today! *gives the thumbs up*

Only accept souls of the real applicant. Toasters, rats, lemons, cheeses, and printers not eligible to apply. side effects may include but are not limited to living in hell for all eternity ,depression, being the eternal slave of Satan ,diarrea, having no pulse ,and sudden outbreaks of acne. Results may vary.

I would like to give credit to Amber, Loki and Taka who helped me out and gave me inspiration for this project.

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