Monday, March 07, 2005

Just felt like making a post

I feel really depressed right now. Ive been thinking about Loki all night and I want to talk to her but I dont want to get her in trouble again for calling late. To put it in the simplest terms possible I just feel like I need a hug right now. Im trying to do my poetry homework but all I write about is about her. Like "her words as loving as a kiss" "her touch as gentle as a feather" "my thoughts as deep as a well" I also wrote a poem (since its poetry homework) about her and it sucks but I dont give a flip who reads this right now.

To feel
as if a hole has been filled
blossoming like a flower
with each passing word
her whisper
like a warm summers breeze
dreaming of nothing
but her
life is unfair
as she was ripped away
like a bandage
leaving a sting
and reopening the wound
caused by life
without her

Its stupid, it sucks, its free verse and thats the only kind i can write, dont say its good cause theres no way in hell im going to believe anyone. Its just one of those moments where I would give anything to be with her right now. Its strange really. I think constantly of the ways that we are different and how never seeing her has changed the way we feel about each other. Its as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. But what about absence of something that was never there to begin with yet you feel it all the same? Everyday I do not talk to her it feels more and more like I imagined it all. How long we have felt this way towards each other just my mind playing tricks on me. Most of the time I know in my heart I love her but sometimes its hard to hold onto that feeling. It slips from my grasp and is replaced with doubt, emptiness, sorrow, and a great feeling of being totally alone in the world. At these times I dont know what to think. I try to power through and do what needs to be done in my everyday life like homework and kung fu and so on and so forth but its tough. Sometimes I just want to just say "screw it!" and forget about everything and have no worries. Life is strange how there is always something to worry about. When your a kid you dont register in your brain what might be coming while as you get older your responsibilities pile up and you are forced to worry about your job and money and the government and even on vacation where you try to get away theres still the day you have to go back and worry about finishing that statement at work. Then when your old you worry about diying and how your kids will pay for your funeral. All there is to do in life is worry about whats going to happen. Theres never a single moment when you can have no worries and actually relax. At times I am able to go outside and just stare at the moon and feel calm and get away from my worries but as soon as that moon is blocked by closed doors im back to living a stressful life just like everyother human being. We have been enslaved by our own system. All I wish for right now with all my heart is to be able to quit doubting myself and my love for Loki but I cant untill that one day I can look her in the eye and hold her. That day will come soon and hopefully we can both last untill then.

2 comments:

~A Lonliness~Subsided By Sinning~Pleasure~ said...

Don't you dare, don't you dare! - bring yourself to the point that life is pointless. You brought me from that darkness, and I will not allow another of my few friends to slip into such a bliss! You are worth everything in the world, do not doubt yourself, doubt all other things but yourself, don't even judge yourself! It takes people years to accomplish your sesitivity to the world and others around you, don't let the pain of the "real world" get to you, cause it swallows you up...

By the way, your poem was very good, and I liked it alot - packed w/ detail, and worded together perfectly... ^.^ I luv ya, don't think anything different...

Kyael said...

The poem was rather good, Trust me to the writer it can always be improved. What matters isn't how you say it but that the feeling is expressed and you did that perfectly, atleast to me you did..... We all have those times of doubt were we're ready to just drop things because we dont see a point, but thats when we are strongest, because we push past it and keep on going despite the doubt. I've known you for months now and You can get through this, You have Loki and if you cant talk to her for some reason I'll gladly do my best to fill her place