Yellow Line

A song I wrote recently, Alec is helping me compose it. Latelly I have really turned to song writing, I've written three sets of lyrics including this one. Maybe I'll write enough and create a sepereate blog for them...who knows.

Yellow Line

Walk alone, stand on the line but never let go.
As we walk this path in between such danger,
everything seems blurred,
and all gets so much stranger.

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.

Torn between choices,
each as dangerous as the last,
traffic on either side,
trying to escape from the past.

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.
(Increase tempo)

Take a chance and jump into traffic,
which side is safer?,
either way might be tragic…
Walking this line is all that keeps me safe,
I have never truly decided,
walking this line,
I am purely divided.

(Instrumental solo)

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.

So I jumped…
(decrescendo out)

the night of the star fall and rebirth

For once in years, I am not wearing a necklace that Loki has given me. Ever since breaking up I've had to do my own soul searching, finding my self and finding the strength. I am now wearing my own dragon necklace, one I've had for years but never wore because I wanted to wear Loki's instead and I've taken down the pictures that she drew for me and put them in a special box along with other memories. The necklace not as cool looking and it has a red stone the same color as the other dragon but it's smaller. I guess recently I've began to really learn that Loki wasn't the only one that loved me because I have my friends there for me. Kim, Melinda, Alec, Chloe, Molly, and Joel to some degree, they all love me as a friend and I guess now more than ever I realize that. Latelly I've just been thinking about this whole love thing. I loved Loki, theres no doubt about that and if anyone says I didn't truly love her I will smack them so fucking I'll break their jaw. I loved Loki and I still do, there no doubt about that, but I'm not letting us breaking up tear me down. I'm finding my own strength and my friends are there to. Loki will still be with me in a way and I'm glad for that because it helped me get over the initial shock of the break up. But now, with the experience and confidence Loki has given me I am going out to experience the world again. "Burn and start again" is a lyric I have stuck in my head latelly. I am not destroying the memories I have of her because they gave me soo much joy, there is no reason to rid my mind of them, that is why I am keeping the special box. Loki will always be in my heart, but now I know she doesn't have to be the only one that helps give me strength. I thank all my friends and I'm glad all of you stick with me in my times of need. Now I guess I'm out to find new experiences and even though it doesn't seem right, but I'm excited. I guess I'm going to go out dating again, but I'm not going to want an extrememly serious relationship. I guess now I'm finally taking my dads advice...I don't think I could handle another serious relationship, at least not now. Plus I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to replace Loki because that is NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO! I just want to make that clear to anyone I know who might stumble upon this. All I'm going to do is get some new experiences under my belt and just kind of figure out what exactly the world holds...I want to see other perspectives, meet new people, figure myself out, and just plain have fun. (but not at their expense or anything of course) And I wish to thank Loki for all of this, because even though we did not work out she is the one that gave me soo much joy and made me who I am today. I am the poetic, sappy, loveable, huggable, weirdo that I am today and I owe you soo much...my Kittymunk...I just want you to know that...

(Some people may have heard me mention a Luvs List. It's something I've been doing with a few of my friends that are more than friends, but friends I luv. This list isn't exactly all that long but you will know if your on it if I leave you saying "Luvs ya" or something along those lines [although not with guys...because no offense to them but I don't want to seem gay. Although this does make me seem sorta gay I admit...but I don't want to seem out right "i love your purse" kind of gay. {although I am not against gays in anyway, I just don't want to seem like I am}])

journal for once in a 100 years

Well I wanted to write one of these for the lack of one in months upon months. Well I guess the biggest change yet would definately have to be Loki and I breaking up. I don't want to go into too much detail because I know I will rant on and on and on. She says that I was too nice to her for all the things shes done, and I guess I would have to agree with that. I was scared because this was my first relationship and I hardly knew what to do 50% of the time, so I was nice as I possibly could be and never really layed down the law so to speak when she did something I didn't agree with. I was being way too sugar coated and clingy in a way. We're still friends and that helps me...I still love her more than anything and I always will but I eventually I will move on. I may be sad now but I refuse to give up on myself and even if it takes a while, I know things will get better. Loki will always be in my heart for all that she had done for me. She as the first to ever truly love me for who I am, she knew me better than even Joel who I've known since kindergarten, she taught me to be myself and how to be more open in what I really think and believe, and one of my favorites is she taught me to finally be able to stand up to the assholes that try and make fun of me instead of being silent.
Well ok enough of that, I've done well enough not to dwell on things too much already and I don't want to be depressed because thats not going to help me or anyone around me...But onto other recent events I suppose. I went to the Clark County Fair yesterday and Alice Cooper had a concert! XD Loki is jealous. I would have told her about it but I didn't even know that he was playing until I heard Schools Out For Summer was playing and giant balloons were flying everywhere ^^; sorry Loki, I would have told ou if I knew. But ya know...maybe I'm a point or two cooler now. And while we were at the fair we bought a hot tub!!! n.n YAY! Getting a gazeebo thingy and putting in a patio majiger. Although whats not awesome is having to tear up the lawn with shovels all day in the hot sun to be able to put it in x.x ugh, blisters. But it is totally gonna be worth it ^^ HOT TUB PARTY!!! mwhuahahaha o.O I will be the party master for once!
Now on the subject of hot tubs, my friend Molly and I are trying to start a band sometime in the future. Originally se wanted an irish punk band but seeing as noone can play bag pipes we're just going to make music hat sounds good to us which partly explains our name, Hot Tub Orgy, an orgy of musical tastes ^^ So far we got trumpet, guitar, keyboard, and a vocalist. Although we gotta get to practiing our indivdual instruments seeing as Joel doesn't practice much, Molly hasn't sung for nearly a year and even then she didn't even know note names, then Brittany needs to learn keyboard in the first place. I'm probably the best player in the band amazingly...
But yeah, thats about all except maybe school coming and all...weee...

Failing Flailing by Streetlight Manifesto

ah you say you've got the cure,
but i don't have a disease,
and you say you've got the answers,
but i've made no inquiries,and you're failing,
bailing,
good god motherfucker now i hear you flailing,
i see you flailing,
that's right i think i do,
i see you flailing away,

i know it's hard but so are you,
and so am i and we'll pull through together,

Together,
and i said that it's been years but i still fear,
that someone dear will leave me here forever,
forever and i said: hey! you've got to keep trying,
you've got to keep holding onto what you've got,
because what you've got it sure ain't a lot,
and hey!,
everyone's falling down,
everyone's holding out for what you've got,
but what you've got, it sure ain't a lot,
and you act like it is but you know that it's not,
and even if it was,
would you ever give it up?,
if i told you what you had was really nothing?
nothing?,
nothing!,
yes, it's nothing,
nothing at all,

so you say your life's a bore,
and i can't quite disagree,
if you judge your life by the pieces of shit that inhabit your tv,
because they stand so proud,
and they talk too loud,
and every other word is a lie,
i've found that everyone who is anyone is a waste of time,
a waste of time,

i know it's hard but so are you,
and so am i and we'll pull through together,
together,
and i said that it's been years but i still fear,
that someone dear will leave me here forever,
forever and i said: hey! you've got to keep trying,

you've got to keep holding onto what you've got,
because what you've got it sure ain't a lot,
and hey!,everyone's falling down,
everyone's holding out for what you've got,
but what you've got,
it sure ain't a lot,
and you act like it is but you know that it's not,
and even if it was,
would you ever give it up?,
if i told you what you had was really nothing?,
nothing?,nothing!,
yes, it's nothing,
nothing at all,

nothing,
you won't say nothing,
you don't say nothing,
and that's just fine,
nothing,
you won't say nothing,
you don't say nothing,
and that's just fine,

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me,
and it's been years but still i fear that someday they'll desert me,
oh, it's hard,
i know,
when it's time to stand alone,
and no one understands you,

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me,
and it's been years but still i fear that someday they'll desert me,
oh, it's hard,
i know,when it's time to stand alone,
and no one understands you,

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me,
and it's been years but still i fear that someday they'll desert me,
oh, it's hard,
i know,when it's time to stand alone,
and no one understands you,

Lifes Roller Coaster, Midnight Shoppers

^^ I am proud of it so far, especially with the plot I have planned. And I love you people who read this soo much I used paragraphs for once =P (even though blogger is fucking retarded when it comes to paragraphs -.- )

Cold hard night,
Insanity on the prowl,
What is right?
Bringing death,
Or instead taking,
Your final breath,
What is normal?
What is life
Without moral?
Feeling no shame,
Follow twisted love,
Pushing the blame.
Decide and find,
Life beyond rules,
Have your own mind.

Life’s Roller Coaster Ch. 1:
Midnight Shoppers

__The dark wispy night air swirled about the lonely 7/11, cloudy upon the witching hour. It was beacon in the night for those seeking refuge in its short halls of high calorie snack foods and sugary treats. Its sign seemed to float in the air a hundred feet towards the stars, a dim sun in the night. Bugs flew about it. Dark and lonely on the street corner of Pacific and Atlantic avenues. The streetlights did flicker, as if the moths bouncing off it interfered with the electricity. A hound barked in the distance. The whistle of the wind sounded like the whisper of a white ghost. A mysterious owl hooted atop a nearby tree, sounding like a muse of Satan out to bring the weak minded to the side of fire and brimstone. At least that is how it had been pictured in Jeff’s mind. A mere sixteen year old boy, hood up, slurping on a icee.
__Such superstition and eccentricities always seemed to squirm about his mind at these darkened hours. Thoughts of Caesar’s ghost coming around and grinding a skateboard on the sidewalk or maybe a giraffe driving from inside the bowels of a living car seemed to drift through his confused and shattered brain. None seemed impossible, merely improbable. Fantasy had always shared a place along side the reality of every day life in Jeff’s actualization of the world, for what is a man without imagination? Of course these thoughts did come from a teenager, which explained a bit. His hooded black sweatshirt had a metallic blue dragon twisting around his arm with a threatening snarl. Baggy grayed cargo pants drooped to the floor draping across his shoes with scraggly ends which he often treaded upon. With night black hair and brown eyes that were glazed lightly with fatigue. The quiet type of kid but with such imagination, his grips upon his emotions seemed stressed. Fickle and read to snap.
_It had been weeks since the disappearance of Lilly and all that calmed his spastic hold upon his self being was the simply blue zooberry icee he sipped on. Like an old man with a cigarette, he dragged a long gulp from the straw. Savored the cold, brain ceasing up. Brain freeze was his own version of self masochism while the mesmerizing motion of the mixer always brought him into a state of peace. His own little ritual when these teenage days got hectic. Lilly had simply left the house and had not returned. No boyfriend to speak of nor agitation from parents to explain her departure. Simply up and left without a word. Tired of searching for the streets for the night, his nerves tested and twitching, he sought refuge in this nearby establishment.
__These sunless hours always brought about the more colorful people of town in search of that late night fix, whether it be a beer, tobacco, and on a few occasions the much needed scent of febreeze before a good nights sleep. People just seemed to be drawn to the mildly blue tinted fluorescent lights that hummed on those late nights, as if moths to a flame. It just seemed to be one of those nights. The stereotypical comic book nerd sat behind the counter. His fragile folded chair creaked as his flab overflowed out from under his stained star wars shirt that had long since been instilled with the smell of moldy cheese. His hair drawn back in a greasy orange pony tail, glasses fixed with duct tape. Blue lightsaber always at his side, he was prepared to defend his store if need be. Being the not so friendly neighbor hood that this was, a man had once come around high on meth. With a gun in hand, the man tried to rob the store. But what is a nerd to do backed into a corner with no weapon to retaliate? So he pulled out his lightsaber and declared the code of the Jedi sending the meth head off into the distance, scared as a baby battle droid. Before then he was a star trek fan, yet now his faith lies with the force. A legend or possibly urban legend of the town.
__Jeff soon approached the counter with a handful of quarters with which to pay for his cup of icy sugar. The nerd took the money without looking up from his X-Men comic “Thank you, come again.” he said shooing Jeff away with his hand, as if his mere presence was irritating. Jeff took another sip from his icee and responded “Yeah your welcome dude, or do you still want people to call you Wolverine?” of course, Jeff was not in the best of moods. Walking away the nerd flipped him off again without looking away from his comic as Jeff happily returned the gesture walking backwards through the push doors. A spark and there was darkness. Without warning he was shoved to the ground.
__His own face squished his icee onto the floor exploding the blue ooze in his own face. Trying to sit up, he was pinned to the ground as a man sat on his hips. Cold metal was pressed to the base of his neck. Death frozen to his flesh. “Freeze!” a gruff voice shouted, pointing the gun to the nerd who had finally had enough sense to pry his eyes from Storm’s boobs on page 15. Looking onto the ground the icee seeped across the floor drawing rivers, trailing off with each second as all three were captured in time. Darkness seemed to fill Jeff’s ears from the silence. Flickering, the sun of 7/11 was the only light penetrating to cast a faint glow. Jeff could feel his heart throb, almost seeing his own breath. Not even the lights of a passing car highlighted them. The man grabbed Jeff by the back of his sweatshirt and tugged him to his feet. “I emptied the cash register, there is nothing in there except this weirdos seventy-five cents!” the nerd said raising his pit stained arms over his head out of instinct. “Just stay where you are!” the man with the gun shouted waving it threateningly. His voice was rough, his breath malignant and stale. The man seemed old yet he stood at 5’6”, a few inches shorter than Jeff. Putting the gun on Jeff’s shoulder, still holding him by his hood, he aimed it at the nerd near the cash register, ready to fire at a twitch. Looking out of the corner of his eye Jeff could only see a long nose protruding from a gray hooded sweatshirt that covered the mans face. In a way it reminded him of Snape from Harry Potter, seeming sinister and curved like the beak of an eagle, his face was indistinguishable in the darkness.
__Slowly the man tugged Jeff to his right until they had turned around the counter, keeping the abyssal hole of the muzzle pointed at the pale faced nerd. Jeff could feel a cold drip of moisture drag slowly down from his eye across his cheek. Possibly a tear heavy with fear, or the melting icee that was still splattered over his face. Coming within a couple feet of the nerd with his hands still high and odor racing even more than usual from his pores, the man stood still for a few seconds letting go of Jeff’s hood yet leaving the gun on his shoulder. They were blocking the only open side of the counter, and with his athletic stature the nerd would not be able to get over the counter fast enough to avoid the mans aim. Jeff could feel the mans body heat against his back as shifted, pulling something from a sheath at his side. Not being able to see for himself, Jeff could merely speculate what the man had in his spare hand from the reflection of fear in the nerd’s eyes.
__The man gave a low snickering sort of laugh, sounding like the growl of a lion, again something that would easily be imagined in a story of mystical fiction. Cold steel grazed across his cheek. Adrenaline pumped through his skin, not feeling the pain as a knife was drawn across his cheek. Blood dripped to the floor, lightly colored purple from the zooberry. A long silence grew as Jeff’s face leaked with tears, blood, mucus, and sugar water. Flicker of the lights. Bark in the distance. Hoot of the owl. Time stands still. Gun on the right. Knife on the left. Death stricken man in front. Homicidal maniac behind.
__Finally the man spoke “I shall give you two choices. Now, you see your friend over here?” he said as the knife lifted away, looking like more of a dagger from its size. “He will die either choice you make, but you my friend.” he said patting his face with the side of his gun “Will be deciding between life, or death.” The nerd’s knees seemed to tremble below him, his arms being drawn lower as he tried to back up against the wall. “DON’T MOVE!” the man shouted point the gun straight out at him. The nerd froze. “Now, either I put a bullet through his head and yours.” the man said seeming to aim up the barrel with his left eye and the mans head. “Or…“ slowly he lowered the knife close to Jeff’s hand, placing it in his palm and curling his fingers around it with his stone cold touch. The joints in Jeff’s hand seemed to ache as if bathing them in ice water for an hour as he took the weight of the knife in his hand. Pushing lightly, he had Jeff stand in front of him a few feet putting with the gun still on his shoulder. “Or…You can cut off this poor mans head with your own hands, and live.”
__With those words Jeff’s pupils dilated so fast he swore he could feel it shake his head. “Are…are you kidding me? I am…not…” the man smacked him lightly on the cheek again with the side of his gun. “Oh yes you are, that is unless you have a death wish...” Jeff seemed to feel the chill of the mans sneer, even if he could not turn around and see his face. The nameless man did not make a move as the nerd slowly sunk back into a corner. They say teenagers could never understand the true pressure of making decisions in the real world, saying that they did not know the line between right and wrong. Yet when those people say such things they are attempting to fool themselves. Never is there a line between right and wrong, merely perspective. Everyone sees everything differently and as long as they have justification they believe what they did was right. But at this frozen moment in time, there was not right or wrong. There was only survival.
__Again the man gave Jeff a nudge, yet his touch felt distant as a ghost. “Choose.” he said sternly. Slowly, Jeff took the weight of the knife, holding it up with the power of courage or simply fear. He had decided. And from then on, he knew, life was never going to be the same.

something to work on during spring break maybe

Funny how the world had always looked from high above, all the horrors of life pulled back down to earth by gravity letting your soul soar from the lightened load. Sitting high atop an old roller coaster car which was stuck at the peak of the hill, such a place of mixed emotions it is up there. Feelings of adventure, of terror, or excitement, of love and trust as you rode along with that special someone because you felt comfortable near them while taking that first plunge off a two hundred foot drop. Looking about the world as the sun set on such a serene day, wispy clouds that dared not hold rain, floating above the world allowing ones imagination to decipher its true shape and form. A glow of warmth still shone over the horizon as a gentle breeze blew about, warming yet bringing about the sweet smell that is the end of summer. Down below was the tattered streets of an abandoned theme park, trash strew about yet the still faint scent of cotton candy could be detected. Looking out it all spread out into the parking lot, a desert of sorts with rows of streetlights just barely flickering as they prepared to offer light in the dark only to the ghosts that did dwindle there now. Asphalt soon gives way to a nearby forest in the softened distance. Past all the humanity there was nothing but nature leading out to the edges of the world meeting up with the orange of the sun which shone its own form of rainbows upon the clouds. It is all a sight to behold, one that I would keep in the background of my mind forever. “This roller coaster just seems ever so slightly like life to some.” I said to myself, the only audible sounds above the wind being the tweets of birds as the leaves did shiver. “Life begins out as you claw your way to the top ever so slowly, click by click, feeling each jostling tug as you begin to crescendo to the climax. Excitement rising as you reach toward the future that you had once planned upon. But at that peak you do not have the time to enjoy what lies in wait for you, a beautiful world of colors and where the world seems endless. And then…” I laughed to myself deep in my throat. “the world sends you down hill, plummeting towards the ground and all you can do…” slowly I did pull myself out of the car of the roller coaster, my shoes leaving intricate patterns of blood down the stairs towards the car station. The severed head of a young blonde girl lain beside me, blood trailing mascara down upon her now pail and lifeless cheeks, her golden locks were matted with clots of blood that rooted from a ten inch knife protruding from her skull, the body laid twisted upon the floor while blood still seeped from the stump of her neck. A crow flew down from a nearby tree and landed in the sea of maroon, picking at the layers of muscles and veins. “Is hang on for your life…”

Days of Spring

It's finally the first couple days of spring. Personally I don't really care nor mind, it's basically the same as winter cause all it does is rain around here lol. But as they say, love is in the air. My friend Smurf finally asked the guy she liked out. For a while she was a little scared to ask cause they were friends for a while and he was already set on asking out another girl. Andy (the guy) actually asked the girl he liked out to the dance but she never gave him an answer. Smurf talked to the girl it turns out she never even liked Andy all that much, but she gave Smurf the ok to go ahead and ask him. Of course, with some females they have to be all tactical and secretive about asking guys out so she had her friends ask if he liked her and if he would like to ask her out sometime. He just kind of shifted a bit and said he would "think about it" But in the end he said yes, and Kim whos friends with Smurf was just jumping around in excitment when she heard about it. At first they just walked around together, talking here and there. Andy was always kinda the quiet type and kind of shy. But after a week or so he let Smurf hang onto his arm and sorta cling to, and pretty soon they were holding hands and he was even the one to grab hers instead of the other way around. Maybe it took him a bit to finally have the awkward-ness go away -.- and of course all my other friends, including Smurfs brother of course, really didn't help. Her brother Jeremey just kept yelling at Andy "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?" but of course they are the type of brother and sister that fight and make fun of each other alot so it's expected. If anything Jeremey doesn't really care, but he is actually probably jealous cause he has a secret crush of his own he's too chicken to ask out. All their friends just keep bugging them a little and having fun with it going "Awwwwww" when they hug, Smurf doesn't mind but Andy kinda does since he's easily emberrassed. But even though it is in it's early stages of their relationship, they are doing pretty well. Smurf is really the affectionate type and Andy (this is merely a guess cause I've only met Andy this year and he's often pretty quiet) is the type to be romantic but still shy untill he can really warm up. I think they could really go far, but if anything Andy is more likely to break up with Smurf either because he doesn't feel his ready or doesn't think it's really working out, he would still want to be friends and everything of course since he is so nice. But of course his nice-ness might instead keep him with her even when he really doesn't like her the same way, but I do feel it could go a long way. Latelly they have even been wearing each others band nickname sweatshirts. Mr. Swecker today said "We are only going to play Village Green (which is the bands favorite song since it's fun and easy) if Smurf can get boys off her mind." and Andy just hides behind his baritone with an emberrassed sorta grin. I feel jealous though...it has always kinda been a romantic sorta fantasy of mine to give a girl my sweatshirt ^^;; heh, it would just be so cute seeing Loki with my oversized sweatshirt on n.n but ummm...I don't think I would fit hers lol.....*stops day dreaming* Well umm...back to Andy and Smurf. Today was kind of a lil landmark for them, their first kiss n.n so romantic and they just make a cute couple (<---...yes I know that makes me sound girly, but it's true) Smurf just whispered it to Kim secretly and she passed it on to me and we just jumped for joy when she left cause we were so happy for them ^^ eveyone just kinda stared at us O.o but it was the first kiss for both of them and it's just so cute. *sigh* Spring really is the season for lovers...It just makes me miss Loki seeing them together. Just makes me think of when we saw a movie and she saw me nervous and rested her head on my should...I remember how long it took me to finally hold her hand, sitting there with my hand moving just ever so slowly towards hers untill I could finally grab it. Then how it felt to hug her, attacking her and squeezing her tight feeling her warmth. And then the first kiss just still gives me that weird feeling in my stomache and all light headed out of joy. I can't wait untill she finally moves back and I can give her all the hugs and kisses that I want. Also n.n I've kinda been looking forward to tugging her along on a leash like she promised =P and I wouldn't mind letting her do the same to me. But you know...it's really the idea of having someone to love and care for and do the same for me. Holding hands and snuggling together under the blankets and whispering to her how much I love her over and over. I know it sounds crazy...but maybe even go to a dance. Less for the rap and hip hop crap they play and all the other people there because none of my friends ever go to dances, but for the slow dance. Yeah, I'm just the sappy romantic type...I just can't wait ^^

meh

Yeah, it's another venting post and yeah it's about Loki. Those seem to be the things I write most in this thing anymore. I hope not to make this too long. Basically Loki had a problem that I never knew about. There were hints galore but no I simply shrugged them off and thought to myself "No, she wouldn't do that." but I guess I was wrong. She said nothing about it and I was too damn afraid to know the truth in anyway. There were times when she did it and I saw parts of the after math...and those were some of the scariest, confusing, and upsetting things ever. But why did she do it? Doing something so destructive yet I didn't know because she thought I knew already but I didn't...but know I do. Even though it does not change how much I love her I guess...it's something I still have to deal with it on my own. She has stopped doing it latelly (and she sure as hell shouldn't again because there is no telling how mad I will be. I know I can trust her to try but if she does again, it's not gonna be pretty.) But should I be mad for something I never knew about? Mad at myself for never taking the action to find out the truth as the question ached in the back of my mind for so long. Maybe I should just move on, the problem has passed and hopefully will not come up again (and it better not) I know I sound like im threatening alot but I need to vent. Cause if I get soo much as a hint that she might do it I would slap her upside the head >< and not just on the internet. Blah...But....I know she wont, but I suppose it's just one of those problems I have but I have to make a threat because I did for the other thing. One of the reasons I hate my mom is because she does stuff that I dont like and I have no control over it. That no control thing is a problem with long distance relationships. Just not knowing whats going on and not knowing how to deal with a problem if there is one just drives me insane and up the walls. Naturally I want to fix problems but sometimes I can't do anything about it. It's like driving, you watch the other person with the wheel and tell them all the stupid things they do but when you actually grab hold of the wheel those bonehead things arent as big of a deal and it's your mistake so you know how to deal with it. I know it's a weird analogy but I'm weird. I just can't wait till she finally moves back, I'll be able to see her all the times and I can quit freaking out and being a worry wart....like I always am...

A Month of Improvement

Well this is really less of a post and more of a kind of note to myself. Latelly I've been thinking about how lately I've had soo much stuff to do and that I want to do and I need to schedule and plan. So I just thought to myself "Well, I want to improve one somethings as well so why not schedule some time in for those to?" So next week I'm going to start. First week will be about reading since I got some really good books at the school library, for the entire week I will try to watch as little T.V. as I can (but I'm not going to completely give up O.o I can't live without my Full Metal Alchemist!) and just read. Next week I will work on Kung Fu and practice my forms and write down all the stuff I know in my notebook since testing is coming up soon and we need to write everything we know in a notebook. Then the week after that I will get to practicing my trumpet, try to get my tounging faster, practice the things we're going to play for the concert, practice the harder parts in my pep band music (since state basketball is coming up) and be able to play higher notes cleaner. It just bugs me how instruments like the piano and guitar and such anyone can easily play a high note instantly while wind based instruments have to constantly work at it...And then the fourth week (which wont be a week soo much as probably a month) I will work on physically improving. Black Belt test is coming up in three months and I need to be able to hold and the stances for 15 minutes each (and there are 5 stances which means an hour and fifteen minutes of standing and you have to go as low as you can x.x ugh, torture. Well at least it's not as bad as first degree black >.> bending a piece of metal with your throat e.e at least I can't get that till I'm 18) that and I kinda want to get a little more buff for Loki's sake XP I'm kinda flabby around the middle. Maybe I'll eat healthier but thats harder than to start flossing and everybody knows starting to floss is about as hard as trying to give up a crack addiction....so no promises.

Finally sumn positive ^^

I had an awesome day today! It was the beggining of the new semester so all our grades restart and we get new schedules and everything. The only class that changed was swimming so my World History class was moved from 2nd period down to 5th and I now have Aerobic Walking second period. The day started out a bit unlucky though, I was walking to the bus stop and when I got there I remembered that I had Loki's letter in my pocket so I had to go back to my mailbox and mail it but I was just in time for the bus. Of course when I got to school Alec, Brent, and I went to the cafeteria and got our new schedules and I was 3rd in line which was awesome cause right after I got mine the line was half way across the room. We hung out a bit longer till 1st period and turns out my friend Jermey was in my first period which was pretty cool but our friend Stephanie was flipping out because she can't stand our combined "intelligence" but it's easy to tell she's a friend because even if she hates our stupidity she still talks to us and stuff and wants us to be her partners even though she gives us the loser sign the second she sees one of us. 2nd period was cool because all the teacher did was tell us what walking class was about and then we sat around in the gym for about an hour. My friends Brad and Campy (Danny) were talking about computers most of the time so I was completely lost and just listened to my MP3 player most of the time and watched the muscle headed weight training class attempt at playing basketball. 3rd period was math which is my favorite class even though I suck at the class itself. I got some good friends in there but we don't sit at the same table like last semester so we just threw notes at each other that were complete nonsense. Lunch was pretty cool, my friend Molly is back at school now instead of being home schooled and she said hi but she stood in the lunch line most of the time so we didn't talk much. 4th was band and we got a new clarinet player and at the same time one dropped out. The poor soul, all people who drop out of band in high school are cursed to get hit by a bus. But the new girl was going to join the trumpets but hers was in the shop and played clarinet. It would have been cool to get a new trumpet but I doubt she would be all that good. She says she hasn't played since 7th grade and she got braces and as people have told me its hell to play a brass instrument with braces. Mr. Swecker had surgery done on his arm recently and I had heard rumors we would watch the video of the surgery but we didn't ^^ all though he promised us some really graphic pictures of it tommorow. Oh, and he even complimented Ryan and I on how much we have improved over the semester but I wish he could have put it in a better way X.x he said "At first Eric didn't even know what end of the horn to blow through and Ryan couldn't open his case! Now look at them." World History was pretty cool. Jeremy, Stephanie and I are all in the same class again and sit together. Stephanie always complains she doesn't get it but thats because she just sits there drawing pictures of cats instead of doing the reading which is less then 3 pages. It kinda reminded me of 9th grade when we were all in the same math class and had half of the period to do whatever we wanted and there were only maybe 15 people in the class. We decided to restart our old tradition when we finished our work and Jermey and I passed a paper back and forth drawing random crap on it like superman on crack and a flying whale and a giant mouth that was also the sun and inside it was a man with an axe that had bacon on it! ^^ It's odd what we come up with. Biology was just damn boring and I have no friends in there. After school on the bus I talked with Kim and Melinda about stuff and then we look on the ground and theres a girls pad on in the isle XD I point to it and say "Umm...is that what I think it is?" and she looks and says "Naw" then she looks again and gos "HOLY CROUTONS!" and then when a little kid was getting on the bus he picks it up and throws it away and the bus driver just gives him this look like o.o "ummmm..." lol. When I got home my day got ever better ^^ because Loki had a good day too because she got a uber cool haircut and everybody complimented her on it. I wished we could talk more though...The basketball game was good. This asshole wouldn't leave me alone and I told him to fuck off >.> he just wouldn't shut up, damn annoying show off symphonic band dipshit...It was a girls game so there wasn't many people but it was a good game. We were ahead by alot till the third quarter and they started catching up. But in the end we won by 3 points. Well, thats about it I suppose. ^^ I hope the rest of the week goes as good as this day (except for the lil bad parts, I guess it's impossible to have a perfect day but this was still pretty good.)

whos to say whats normal

It's odd how lately I tend to only post when something really crappy or bad happens? (well, there is one big crappy bad thing that happened but umm...that one I'd rather not post about) Well this thing is sort of on the fence so to speak. It's really bad but it could get worse. My friend Joel is really in a bad situation. His dad is forcing soo much pressure on him it's breaking him down. Lately he's had these attacks where he laughs and cries at the same time and can't really decide what to feel. His dad has gotten on has pretty bad about school because he has been having really bad grades even though hes really smart, just not wanting to apply himself. He is already clinically depressed and his dad always complaining about his work (who is a teacher at his school) is not helping. I really worry about him. He says on monday he took twenty sleeping pills...Luckily nothing bad happened. He already takes counseling and such and it doesn't seem to work to well. His friends and I talk to him and it seems we might help. It's just hard to tell knowing him he might simply be manipulating us. Being as crafty and ingenious as he is (even though he may not seem it) he could just be all tricking us into thinking we're helping, I just hope thats not the case. What is especially tricky is his outlook onlife. He knows there is no right or wrong, good or evil, just simply ideas, and he knows that all humans are basically machines that are here to reproduce and we can manipulate ourselves into thinking how ever we want to think. His logic just makes too much sense that it becomes hard to argue with him. I just hope what I said to him may help in some miniscule way, so that maybe his life will not end by his own hand. I love him like a brother and I don't want to lose him...We have known each other since kindgarten and he's the best friend I have. I'm just really scared for him and this has been going on for a while even if he doesn't show it. To think he would have died if those sleeping pills actually worked, to think that he attempted to take his own life is just...frightening...to think I could be standing over his coffin with an everlasting smile on his face, one that was glued to his face in attempts to have us remember the good old times, have us think he died happy when it was really his overwhelming frustration and sadness that got to him....its overpowering....

A Night of Learning

Well my dad finally had a talk with my sister about her converting to Islam. I guess now I've learned why I developed a habit of eves dropping, it's how I find things out that people wont tell me. It just bugs the hell out of me when people don't tell me things that are important or involve me somehow. It's like they can't trust me or think I'm ready for this information. But before I write an entire paper I might as well write this down while it's fresh in my mind. My sister came out of her room crying when my dad finally came home from pool. He was half way through the kitchen when she burst out in tears. Turns out when my mom called from Arkanasas they had gotten onto the subject of driving and soon it progressed to how my mom was becoming emberrased to be seen with my sister in public because part of being a Muslim is that you must cover nearly every part of your skin except your hands and face and my mom thought that instead of hiding herself from the prying eyes on men and their hormones that she was actually drawing attention to herself from every sex and age. She kept asking why my parents cannot except her ideas. But now I know where I have learned to think, it was as if the words that I would have spoke went straight from my mind and out my dads throat. (well except for the refrences to his youth and such. It turns out my dad was once mormon which is pretty much opposite what we have grown up as. For those who don't know mormons are known for going to church every single day of the week but once my dad was eighteen and moved out he hasn't gone to church since. He found it to just be more of a social gathering rather than worship.) There was alot of different subjects flying that they debated over but a couple things did get run over a couple times. My dad said "Your getting to serious way to fast and your letting all of this break apart our family and we can't do anything together." He meant this because in Islam you must pray many times a day and my dad likes to do things with us sometimes but she doesn't want to go because she has to pray. And of course she used some of the oldest and most common teenage phrases "Why can't you just let me do what I want? It's not effecting you." But like I said there was alot going on but the base of it all was like my dad said, she is going way to fast and I would have to agree with that. Lately she has gone Muslim crazy, decorating her room, reading the Qua'rn nonstop, her desktop and my space and every customizable type of electronic medium is decked out in Muslim like an obsessed college kid but with caligraphy, and she already didn't eat meat but her diet hasn't exactly gotten all that much better since converting (Imagine my crappy diet, no fruits or veggies only minus the meat which is basically my only source of nutrients even if they are fattening)and ordering things off the internet like fancy headscarfs and books. I think it really is outside forces, i.e. friends that have gotten her convert. We have had this sort of problem in my family once before but to a lesser extent since it did not effect the entire family as much. She once converted to wicca and she wanted to go to all sorts of meetings and things but my mom wouldn't let her. My sister tried to get her to read a book she had found to maybe get her to understand but my mom never really did even though she said she did. Also one time my mom placed a clothes hanger on my sisters dresser but turns out she had proclaimed her drawers bursting with underwear an altar of sorts and she exploded on my mom. I don't really know what happened with that and all, it just seemed to fade. For a while the pictures of stars and became painted over and now they have reappeared instead as stars and cresent moons. I guess it really is those teenage years of gullibility and confusion that has caused her to hop around from one way of explaining life to another. Also it could have something to do with the fact that three of her boyfriends cheated on her and now she thinks if she hides herself from guys they wont see her as just a woman and as a person which is what the religion believes in but from my point of view, no offense to her or anything, but shes probably just using that as an excuse. I think these friends of hers that she has may not exactly be legitimate since apparently they have tricked her into paying for their international calls or at least I think they have, I was in the other room and it was kind of hard to hear so not all of this may be correct. My dad said "You think you know these people because you have talked to them over the internet but thats not enough." But the thing is in his opinion time is no factor in that situation, thinking no matter how long you talk to someone other than face to face you will never know them and I just have to disagree. Me and Loki know each other extremely well but thats because we have known each other for close to a year 4 months so we have had time. I think that is why my mom wasn't exactly excited about the idea of going to see Loki for a month because I met her over the internet and is using the excuse that she will miss me instead of telling me the truth. I guess that will have to be another conversation for another post but I am more than sure I can persuade her in numerous ways. It's a really good thing she met Loki and they got along well (My mom still thinks its funny how she went "So, Eric's mom! What is up!?") and if our moms talk I know she will be perfectly comfortable letting us get together. Although my dad is a completely different story. He says that I'm too young to get tied up in a relationship and doesn't want me to go. I guess now the only way to go is to get mom to back me up and if she's not 100% set on letting me go then I'm screwed...But all and all I guess I have learned somethings and thats what life is about. Now I'm actually glad I did that religion project and know why we did it in the first place lol.

Never felt better n.n (well, almost. damn procrastinating...)

Well I sure feel great n.n Christmas was good. I got some Adam Sandler movies, UHF DVD, boom box, Gorillaz Demon Days cd, a really cool camera, Family Guy seasons 1 and 2, Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones for PS2, Homer Simpson pjs (different then my others. I ripped the already though x.x why is it always the front to rip?...) and a really cool gamer T-shirt ^^ I love it. It lists "The Things Video Games Teach us." It has a picture from the old space invaders and it says:
*There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.
*If it moves, DESTROY IT!
*Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
*One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinte number of "bad guys."
*Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground.
*You can break things and get away with it.
*You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
*If someone dies, they disappear.
*If you get mad enough, you can fight even better.
*You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
*You can operate all weapons without training.
*No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
*Death is reversible (only for you!)
*Ninjas are common and frequently fight in public.
*Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.
*You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
*All women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
*Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was bad.
*Don't worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
*A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.
^^ It's great. Also this year I have spent the most ever on presents for my friends. I got Loki Soul Calibur 2 for Xbox and a shirt with a squirrel holding a baseball bat with a pile of nuts and it says "Protect your nuts!" XD she loved it. (I got it straight from Victoria's Secret *wink*) I really wanted to get her this other one with two squirrels on it where one is twirling a bra in the air and the other has a beer and it says "Squirrels gone wild!" but they were out T.T I'm glad it fits lol x.x I was really worrying about that since they only had them in mens, I dont know the difference between men and womans sizes but she said it was a lil big but thats better than too small lol. I got my friend Kim a neon orange Nike shirt since she loves orange and thinks it's sexy (A little too much at times though. Shes like "Look at my orange sexy cup! You know your turned on!" XD) I got Joel Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and Alec a shirt that has a picture of a pirate flipping off a ninja and it says "Pirates are way cooler than ninjas" But his gift is what got me to go on this big present buying thing. I bought myself a shirt that has a picture of a ninja flipping off a pirate and it says "Ninjas are way cooler than pirates" and since he says pirates are better and I say ninjas are, and because he can't order stuff off the internet (I got it here www.jinx.com) I decided to get for him as a present. But since I bought him a present I knew I should get Kim a present and I thought I might as well get Joel a present lol. (I was always gonna get Loki a present anyways.) All together I spent around 20$ on each person coincidentally (well Loki was a little more but only maybe 2$-5$ more. So if your reading this Loki, don't feel cheap! XP It's not that much.) I haven't gotten any presents to my friends yet except Loki's since I don't know where Kim or Alec live and I forgot to give Joel his when he came over last so I'll remember when I go over to Joe's house and I'll give Kim and Alec their presents when I go back to school on the 2nd. Speaking of school, I have a paper on cystic fibrosis I have to write that I haven't started at all x.x it's like the religion project all over again...Well at least this one isn't a huge chunk of my grade although it is worth a bit. Plus it's only an essay so I'll get that done in like an hour or two. Cystic fibrosis is this genetic disease where your lungs get filled with mucus and it becomes difficult to breath. It's something your born with since it's on a certain gene and the natural mucus that protects your lungs can't be processed correctly and your body creates lots of salt, so it's often tested by getting a sample of sweat. They also say that your skin tastes salty O.o but I really don't know how they first found that out...And speaking of odd facts they say that men are often sterile because of the disease which is also weird...And on to more weird things! (wow, thats like 4 segways in a row! I am goooooood!) Loki and I had THE most open, awkward, and serious (some parts not so serious though XD poor kitties...) conversation I have ever had in my life. And I just feel great ^^ I mean, it's amazing how open and trusting we were to each other and we were able to share things that none of us has ever told anyone, and although I was shaking but after some breathing exercises I learned in kung fu I was fine and didn't end up having a heart attack. It was kind of like sprinting, at first it was hard but it soon got ALOT easier and afterwards I felt euphoric ^^ (euphoric= really really good incase you didn't know lol I wasn't high on E O.o) It was good we could finally talk about what has been on our minds. I knew Loki was thinking about it and she knew that I might be thinking of it, but neither of us could really come out and say it I guess. I'm not going to say what it was just incase someone might accidently stumble across this, but it was something important that sooner or later we had to talk about. As to if we ever "participated" in what we were talking about I guess I had to think about how we would deal with the aftermath...I suppose I couldn't exactly tell my parents, they would in time probably have to except it but the first person I would talk to about it would actually be my sister. Even though at times I do talk about how me and my sister are different we are the same in the way we think of things. She is a deep thinker at heart believe it or not and we are close underneath it all. Most of the time we are in different rooms and when we are within earshot of the other we hardly ever say a word. But when we are in the mood to talk then it's often about things such as life, love, government, world problems, religous ideas, or maybe just movies or whatever we are watching together. In the summers we usually have these types of conversations when we walk to the 76 or to the elementary school to play on the equipment (which are both about a mile or two there and back) But like I was saying, she is still a teenager as well and she understands things the same way I do. Speaking of family (thats 5 segways now I think lol) my grandpa passed away the day after christmas. He was in his 80s and his prostate cancer had spread. I just felt bad that I didn't get to know him all that well, even though last time I saw him. But I felt really guilty but after talking to Loki I felt better ^^ she always helps just being there to talk to and offering her ideas. Giving it some thought I suppose, even though it is my fault I didn't get to know him thats not something to feel horrible about. I can't beat myself up for every little thing I don't do and I should learn from my mistakes and experiences. I will at least try to get to know my family better and I will be sure to not let what happened to him happen to me. Since prostate cancer is possibly hereditary I know what it can do. Both my grandpas had it, but my dad's dad luckily had himself checked before it got bad and although he was weakened by the treatment he still lives today. But yeah I'm done now O.o holy crap...I thought I would just write like maybe 6 sentences XD I write too much...

Homework, broken toes, cowboy hats, deep thoughts, pants, and Ska!

Yeah I haven't really written anything for a while, too much school x.x I got a HUGE project for world history on the five main religions Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, and Judaism. It's worth more than half my grade. If I may quote Mr. Neimi "If you skip this project you will be guaranteed to fail." And I haven't started it yet soooo....I need to get my ass on gear. I haven't been as creative as I was in the summer or even last year during school. This year I've just been struggling more and more pressure and at the same time I happen to be more lazy. But aside from school everything has been fine. At kung fu I screwed up my toes though. One day I sprained my left big toe and then a day later I popped my right big toe, then a week later when the right when felt better I kicked the floor at kung fu and hurt my right one again! Gaaaa...It's annoying. Lets see...I opened a My Space account and kinda gotten into it lately I suppose. Oh, and interesting enough I promised that I would be Loki's puppy on a leash for a day so that she wouldn't feel bad about me using the picture of us standing together. She was originally gonna have me wear a cowboy hat and there was no way in hell I was going to wear a cowboy hat if I could help it and I didn't want to take down the picture, so I offered to be her puppy instead and she pounced on the idea. But ya know, I'm not complaining =P it might be kinda fun actually and it's alot better than a cowboy hat...but of course pretty much anything is in my book. There's something I find funny that my friend Brittany does sometimes. She asks how Loki and I are doing and well everytime I say "It's going good." because well, we've never had any major problems or fights when I think about it. And I suppose that kinda got me to thinking "Why do we never fight or get mad at each other?" I can't really explain that all that well...We just understand each other I guess. Maybe thats what love is, just knownig each other and loving every aspect of one another. But I'm trying not to elaborate on such things in those post. But if anyone wants proof to how much I love Loki (and well I don't really know if this is making me any more less of a guy...) but...I bought and wore a pair of jeans x.x and if you knew me you would know how big that really is for me. I have never one jeans a day in my life. (well, now I have, but still just one day so far) From preschool - 5th grade I wore nothing but sweatpants and then from 6th grade to now (which is 10th grade) I have worn nothing but cargo pants. But of course I'm not gonna make jeans a 24/7 thing (because I can't stand to sleep in them) but I'll wear them every now and again if I feel like it. (Actually one time I planned on trying to wear nothing but pj pants untill college but my dad soon put a stop to that plan when he went on about pride for some reason and threatend to ground me if I wore them to school ever again) But ya know =P as long as Loki keeps her end of the deal up I'm at least sorta fine about it. I also got some boxer briefs because i needed more underwear and wanted to try sumn other than breifs (and they are fairly comfortable actually, but enough but my clothes. This is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much info) Anyways, shifting subjects, I have really been getting into this type of music called Ska lately. I did some research on it to really find out what it was and this is what I came up with. Ska is pretty much a form of reggae that has evolved and added different aspects of diffrent styles into it. The drums have a sort of swing feel to them, the guitars accent on the offbeats, drums accent on the 2nd and 4th beats, and the types of instuments in the average ska band are trombones, trumpets, saxophones, and (in 3rd wave Ska) electric guitars. There are three types of Ska: classic, two tone, and 3rd wave. Ska is said to have influenced punk rock and actually a few punk rock bands incorparte it directly into their music. It is said that Ska is basically the polar opposite of emo and is always happy and bright, but from my experience (which isn't much) I would agree that music wise it does seem pretty peppy but the subject matter of the lyrics aren't exactly all that happy sometimes. (except for the Aquabats, their all about strange offbeat things like "Pizza Day" or "Super Rad") But ummm...yeah I have too much free time I should rather spend on my project. A while ago I have started on a short story that may turn into a running series called "Piehead and Poser" but I haven't finished yet and so far it seems kinda choppy...I need to work on my transitions, I'm getting kinda rusty. But well anyways, till next time kiddies! (sorry if there are any typos, I'm trying to type this without my contacts in cause they have been burning my eyes today)

this is....DA STICK!

Same ol' and nobody really cares probably.

Yeah I know absolutely nobody reads this stuff unless I twist their arm, but I'm gonna write anyways. Loki's birthday is coming up soon and I've been working on my present although I know for sure whatever her is its going to blow mine out of the water and make me feel guilty because she says shes been working on hers for weeks. I just feel bad cause mine is just lousy and its more sentimental but I've done better stuff for her. I suppose this can be her pay back for the locket I bought her. I don't think she knows how much it costs luckily or else she would probably hurt me...maybe, I'm not quite sure but I'm not gonna take any chances (and for any random people that might want to read this for some weird reason, she hates it when I buy her stuff and the more expensive the more she hates it but she still likes the item.) I'm going start planning out my christmas present now so that it can be really good. Ugh, it's hard for me to write lately. I just haven't had as much insperation since school started because I'm too tied up in school work rather than sitting around thinking and talking to myself. Plus I haven't been able to talk to Loki as much so I just feel...bad. Like I was woken up too early and I'm all cranky and a hint of depression. I'm going to call her tommorow though because it's drives me nuts when we don't talk. It feels like the last year and 2 months have just never happened when I don't talk to her. I want to have a meaning full conversation but I'm just no good at talking on the phone. I can chat on yahoo because I'm a god writer and you can think before you send your IM and in person I can actually do facial expressions and do stuff but on the phone it's like standing there talking, not moving your body or face an inch and talking, just awkward...But as she keeps saying she will teach me to talk on the phone. I just hate long distance, especially time zones. It always screws me up because I have to plan 3 hours ahead and she can only be on till about 6 and I get home at 3 so thats only about maybe 3 at max but usually theres dinner and other distractions so it's only like maybe 2 - 1.5 hours compared to our 6 hour conversations back in the summer. There's still weekends and fridays I suppose when she can stay up longer but still, it's annoying. But I have had harder times to deal through, new years eve for example which I would rather not talk about or remember having to wait and think about what she had to go through...At least after that things changed although I stil dispise that damn tarter sauce. I would love to beat the shit out of him but I can't because the Kajukenbo pledge and how it would be dishonorable and if I did it while at home and my parents found out, I would get kicked out. Modesty, Courtesy, Integrity, Courage, and Perseverance, those are the ideals. And well, that kinda goes against 3 out of the 5 if I cracked his skull open with a baseball bat. It sure as hell would feel good but I have to resist. Plus it wouldn't exactly give her mom a good impression of me. But of course a swift kick to the balls is probably ok....But anyways, back to Loki! ^^ I gave her a new name! n.n Azure. It's such a pretty name and it's about blue and I love the color blue and her eyes are blue and I love her eyes so she is Azure! I get so lost in her eyes...it's one of the things I absolutely love about her. I find myself sometimes staring at her eyes in her pictures (and there aren't all that many with her face really) because they are just so beautiful. I don't know, is it normal to love your girlfriends eyes? Cause all I hear my cousin talk about (my only friend who actually has a girlfriend) is her ass. I suppose I'm just sappy and romantic, oh well. I still love them. Although the name she gave me was kind of weird....Beagle Butter Bean X.x because my eyes look like puppy dogs eyes. It's kinda funny, we both get lost in each others eyes. I'm just waiting to see if we end up staring at each other for hours and get hypnotized or something. But yeah weird idea...I suppose I feel a little better than when I started writing these random ramblings running from my rusted brain (<--- alliteration! I really been hooked on alliteration ever since I read this one part of my book I'm reading (Odd Thomas by something (I forget his first name) Koontz) where Odd says "A flipped fork flicked my forehead") Anyways, Lemming out.

DUI

Yeah it's been a long while since I've written anything and posted it up, all the school and stuff. As the theme has been lately, this is'nt completely finished and is only half way through. I haven't done my usual obsessive revising in the last couple paragraphs but I still would want some feed back and such if anyone would like to comment on it and tell me what they think I should work on or fix in it. This is quite a bit darker than most of the things that I have written but sometimes you gotta let whats in your mind come out whether it be good or bad or stupid or intelligent....but thats another treatise. On to the story!


The white noise of the road always seemed to calm Ned for some odd reason. The smell of alcohol invaded his soggy nostrils as he brushed away the moister on his cheek, the dotted yellow line blurred from his speed as he drove down a lesser known country road. With a bit of effort and the coordination of a boneless man he clicked on the radio, not so he could listen to the music so much as just creating familiarity. It was one of his rituals to help cool down after getting into a emotional situation that seemed to send his world spinning and this was his way of grabbing hold to reality and trying to focus, to drive in his faithful old station wagon for hours on end to no place in particular. His car unbeknownst to him, lazily weaved from side to side down the road, causing the piles of leftover trash from countless meals at McDonalds to sway from side to side on top of the dashboard. The usual monstrous creaking of the ancient station wagon began to pick up a rhythm as pebbles chipped away at the door whenever the car veered too far over, running through the gravel on the side of the road. Anger and depression danced within his mind and toyed with his rational thinking, it’s strange how things on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum tend to merge together when tensions run high. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so upset so quickly….” he said to himself with a bit of a drunken slur, looking back to the argument.


“Why are you jumping to such ridiculous conclusions! He was an old friend and nothing more! Can you not understand that….” Christine yelled, grasping her frizzed out and tangled blonde hair in frustration, tears welling up in her eyes. She paced about the living room that lay in shambles, which seemed to be the usual atmosphere that they lived in both physically and mentally. Everything falling apart yet holding on by a few strings. Christine and Ned had been together for years of mixed emotions. There were times when their love brought them happiness in their chaotic lives, but in the end their love was forgotten whenever another utility bill slipped into the mail box or when a pink slip was issued instead of a pay check to pay for the groceries. To a spectator it must seem like a miracle that they even felt anything towards each other but as they say, everyone has their reasons.


“Sure! And ol’ friends’ just like to spontaneously suck each others faces off in broken down diners!? Yeah, really buddy buddy with him aren’t you!? What do you do with your best friends!? Have sex in an alley!?” Ned was either on the bridge of tears or of smacking her upside the head and spinning it a full 360 degrees. Lights sprung on from the neighbors mobile home next door, shining through the cheap thin plastic that adorn their window frame as a cost effective alternative glass. In their house glass had a tendency to shatter when a lamp, chair, or antique Eskimo was thrown at it. “Ned, I would never do such a thing! You are taking things way out of perspective! You need to come down…“ she said as she tried to wall across the cold concrete floor to take the bottle of beer out his hand. Even though hindered by alcohol, he could see her intentions and awkwardly shoved her into the couch with one hand. “How could you even think of such a thing…” she broke out in tears and sobbed on the couch and Ned stomped into the kitchen although grazing his shoulder on the wall and sending him self stumbling forward to land face first on the rotten wood floor. If only Ned could have understood what life was like for her. Christine had numerous bruises and crisscrosses of scars from their past fights. What love they had once had was destroyed, yet she refused to leave his life and always tried to make things work out. Christine had heard a saying once, “What you know the best you observe the least”, which seemed to be true in life from her past experiences.


They had known each other for years and had been good friends before Ned finally mustered up the courage to ask her out. Things had gone a little fast but she enjoyed it all. Christine had thought she knew everything about the sweet charming man with eyes of brown so dark that they seemed to be endless wells. They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, but the man she knew was just one side of him. Ned had a drinking problem but she simply shrugged it off, considering it just a little quark of his personality that she could get use to and deal with, but things soon got out of hand. At night he would often sneak out of the house and drink with his friends and in the morning he would wake up with a hangover that seemed to last for days. Soon, Christine learned that his brown eyes of such depth were not the window to a endless well of opportunity, but the window to an endless well of shit.


“You know that I would never dream of being unfaithful to you…” she said, tenderly rubbing her plump belly. “For the sake of our child, it needs you and I.” Christine had been pregnant for nearly 6 months with their child. It was what kept her hanging onto him, knowing that a single mother could not hold a job and that maybe a child would change Ned for the better. A life was growing within her and she wanted to give it every possible opportunity even if it meant living with a drunken ogre. Ned stood silent for a moment as the stench of alcohol blew through the air and his glazed over eyes squinted in anger. Christine reached out to hold his hand but slowly, he turned before making his way calmly through the plastic screen door outside to leave her alone with slam of the car door and the roar of the engine. Screeching out of the driveway, hitting a rock on the side leaving a scratch at least three feet long which he would rather worry about later.


The years seemed to blur together, all the fighting, drinking, yelling, and screaming was all he could remember. They never did anything special even on holidays and neither of them had take a vacation from work since they had found out their son was on the way. “She doesn’t love me, she only wants me to be a father to her kid. That’s the only reason we have not fallen apart like we should have years ago, because of that soon to be little brat.” It was a pitch dark moonless night down that road with not a headlight to be seen for miles. Ned had been down this road soo many times that he could have drove it in his sleep. “Fucking bitch…” he swore under his breath before taking another swig from his flask.


Suddenly out of the blue, a brand new sports car appeared in his rearview mirror honking its horn and blasting the radio loud enough to cause vibrations in Ned’s seat. “God damn kids!” he said as he pulled the window down. The handle for the window had broken off last week so he had to pry it down with his hand to stick his arm out and wave the person on. The Ferrari caught up and the driver rolled down his passenger window “Hey drunkey! Get the fuck off the road! Your gonna kill someone!” The driver seemed hardly 18 years old. Ned never really liked teens and he was already pissed off as it was. He looked the teen in the eye and yelled “Shut the hell up! I’ll do whatever I god damn you please you mother fucking bast!….” before he could finish cussing the man out he suddenly turned to the left, out of shouting distance and down a different road.


“Yeah that’s what I thought…” Rubbing his eyes and blinking a couple times, the world went into total darkness and a silence that rang in his ears. It seemed like he was floating in outer space yet all of the infinite suns of the universe had blown out, leaving a eternal darkness. Feeling a sense of weightlessness and freedom, he was slammed back into reality as what felt like a bull ramming head first at full steam into his chest. Blurred outlines of trees and terrified squirrels multiplied within his eyesight as the sickening crunch of metal and whiplash brought him to the reality of his situation settled in. Smoke billowed out from under the hood of the rusted station wagon that was now fused to the tree after the impact. Opening the door and staggering from the twisted heap of metal, clothes reeking of rum as he dripped with the contents of his now crumpled flask that lay underneath the heap.

To be continued...

Dark Side

Everyone has a side of them that they don't really like to display to the world or are afraid that it may take over. Just like my saying goes, you can't judge a book by its cover and you can't judge an author by their book. Everyone has something they want to hide, whether it be a memory that isn't really pleasurable, a secret that would destroy relationships, or just something that they like that others would not have guessed and it's hard for them to admit it. (*cough* I know one person knows what I mean ^^;;;;) I guess for me it's two parts of me that I don't admit to having very easily. One is my more violent and angry side. Few people have seen me mad, not just annoyed or upset, but punching the wall and yelling my head off kind of mad. I don't like to show it because I guess I'm kind of a control freak. When I get mad I do things that could have negative effects and once I come to grips with what I just did, I get depressed or sad. There are people that I would just like to strangle the life from with my bare hands but I know that violence doesn't solve anything, but sometimes I don't really give a damn. I have soo much anger stored up inside me sometimes that it becomes really hard to calm down. The other side that I don't like to show is.....well I guess you could call it hormones. I just.....well it's hard for me to just let it out because I don't want it to take control because all my life I thought that people that let their hormones control their brains were complete morons...but I guess it's who I am so why should I hide it? At times I think of just letting it out but I have never shown anyone much of that side so I don't know when exactly would be an appropriate time. It's nothing horribly bad, it's not like I want to go around grabbing random girls butts or anything, I guess it's just kind of a side of me thats a perv. ALthough it's not as bad as some people that I know like a person who calls himself a vagina with legs. *sigh* CURSE YOU TEENAGE HORMONES! >< People who have known me for a while know that I hate pervs and would hardly expect that....one thing that I have only told a couple people.....Maybe I'm just over reacting. I mean, it's not that big of deal I guess....

Thinkin...

Isn't it strange how soo many suffer yet sitting right beside them may be someone with the biggest grin of happiness on their face? I have not had to endure the pain that so many have. I feel stupid when I complain that I cannot see Loki only once a year while others have loved ones that go to war and they know that they may never come back. Soo many have gone through times in their life where everything seemed so hopeless that they actually consider taking their own life to make it all end. I am not poor, my parents are still together and both alive, I don't have drug problems, I am not struggling with a terminal disease, I have it good but I feel guilty. I'm sitting infront of a computer, beside a big screen T.V., eating chips, I am one lucky bastard yet there are others suffering. I feel sorry for them and want to help them but I am not exactly one to say "Oh, I'm so sorry, thats unfortunate." Imagine sitting in a waiting room and all the other people around you have terminal diseases. I try to offer advice and give a positive outlook but what do I know, never having been through anything even remotely like what they are going through? But the thing is, something bad has to happen sometime, nobody lives a spotless life all happy and smiling. But maybe it's all just karma? I have never done anything to hurt others intentionally really, sometimes I do of course but alot of times I try to ignore my urges. Maybe all that happens in life is karma or maybe it's all chance? I guess I should feel lucky....I guess I'm kinda like the average Joe that walks down the street and sees a bum trying to live another day and feels sorry for him so he gives him some change. But of course that brings back the idea of karma, maybe they deserve what they have become or maybe it's all just bad luck? But whatever it would be, I would still help them. Maybe my luck can rub off on others or theirs just might rub off on me. I don't know really, just thinking out loud is all...

Come and gone....

Finally....after 10 months of waiting it finally happens. Loki finally came and it was the best day of my life. After she called to try and get some directions I immediately went outside and waited in the grass at the top of the drive way for maybe an hour (or half hour....I don't know, I was just kinda lost in time) I sat in the shade as the hot sun beat down as I waited. I tried to keep my mind off being nervous and picked at the grass I was sitting on but I just couldn't help but wait anxiously, nearly having a heart attack whenever a car passed by. Finally her dad pulled into the driveway and I jogged along side to help them out. I shook her dads hand and she got out of the car and my foot would not stopping shaking, it was like I was like my leg was hypothermic. We just sort of awkwardly stood there for a couple seconds before I jumped at her and hugged her, almost pulling us both to the ground. I just couldn't belive it...I did what I had wanted to do for soo long and I have never been happier. I gave her the locket I had gotten for her and she gave me a dragon necklace. We both kind of had trouble getting them on so we helped each other. I looked at her and looked at the necklace and made a promise to myself I would never take it off, so that in someway I could always remember what it felt like to be able to hug her after all that time. Walking into the house we made the introductions and then and I showed her my room with all my dragons and stuff and gave her one of the paper hats I had made. And then I hugged her again, I don't remember how many times I hugged her but I know it was alot. We decided to go to the mall and hang out for a bit before going to see the movie. My mom gave us a ride and once at the mall we all decided a meeting time and then they let go but not before sticking Fuzzhead with us. He wasn't as bad as I thought he would be luckily, but was a bit annoying at times. We walked around and looked at diffrent stores, bought some candy and Mountain Dew and stuff. We met back up with my mom, Karis, and Daniel and they let us walk to the movies to have a lil alone time (although Fuzzhead was still stuck with us.) We bought the tickets (although Loki didn't want me to buy hers but her dad wouldn't give her money so she was kinda forced to) and waited as Karis and Daniel to get food. We decided to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory together, the theater was a little more crowded then I usually like it but I didn't care, Loki was with me and thats all that mattered ^^. We sat close to the front row and sat close together. She layed her head on my shoulder through most of the movie and I put my head on top of hers, her hair smelled nice. After a while I slowly tryed to scoot my hand over to hers but I was sort of scared. I just kept looking at her hand and couldn't decide really...but soon I just reached out and held her hand and she held mine as well. It was the first time I had ever been on a date and the first time I held anothers hand...I admit, I started thinking about never being able to see her again and I almost began to cry but I decided to cherish the moment and try to distract myself from such thoughts by watching the movie. At one point I tryed to open my Mountain Dew with one hand by using my mouth but it fizzed and I quickly shoved it in my mouth. I got some on my shirt and she said "Here, you can have your hand back." I guess on your first date something has to go wrong...The movie was great but belive it or not, the oompa loompas weren't my favorite part and I'm not going to say what was incase I start to sound like a broken record. Once out of the movie, Daniel decided to let us have some alone alone time without Fuzzhead and let us walk to the bowling alley/arcade together. We did have some time alone but soon her dad drove over and got us part way there because he didn't know how to get out of the parking lot apparently. I hate giving directions....At the highlander, Daniel and Karis left us and Fuzzhead to go bowling while they went over and had dinner at the Azteca restruant. I didn't really pay attention to the scores, I just had fun. We joked and around and talked while we bowled and then I went to the animal machine because my dad has gotten me addicted to them and after a couple trys I won a bear with fairy wings. It was kind of cheesy and I know that if someone else had tryed to give it to her she probably wouldn't take it. We then went over to the arcade part of the highlander and played some games. Loki and I played some airhockey, we sent the puck flying sometimes, Fuzzhead and I did some boat racing game but I got stuck with the hardest boat and on the hardest level so I just gave up and ran into walls, tryed to play dance dance revolution a couple times but it wasn't pretty....We ran out of quarters pretty quick so we just walked around a bit. At one point I was getting kind of sappy and asked for a kiss...I was just so nevrous I can't put it in words...I never kissed before and I didn't really know what to do or say....The first one was just sort of a peck but the second one was a good one. I don't think I'm a good kisser though....I just did it, and it was...well if you've had your first kiss, you would know. Finally....Daniel came in and told us she had to go and he would give us some time alone. We walked around holding each other, not going anywhere just walking and talking a bit. I gave her hugs and we held hands...she gave me a stand 53K braclet a while ago and I did the same as I had with the necklace, I would always remember holding her hand and will always wear it...plus im against smoking lol. I finally decided to say soemthing sappy and for once just said it instead of arguing with myself over it. I told her "I wish I could say this in person, so I'll do it now. One hundred times good morning...one hundred times good night...one million times I love you..." I sort of mumbled a bit but I hope she heard it...We walked outside together and the parents said their goodbyes. They gave us a little more time alone. We kissed one more time...her dad was about 30 feet away in the car atching but I didn't care...I love her and I wanted to do what I had wanted to do for so long but never could...to do what I always dreamed but never thought was possible...I kissed her and I wished that time would stop and the moment would go on forever...but as soon as we parted lips...I knew I would have to wait for a long time, for another moment like that...and it replays in my mind constantly....I told her goodbye and that I love her and we went our seperate ways to our cars. I rolled down my window and shouted one more time "I love you!" as I watched her go into the car and we drove off. I didn't talk much after that...my mom tryed to start a conversation but I didn't respond. I cryed and sniffled...and I can't help but do the same now, looking back at that day...I love you Loki, with all my heart...and I cannot wait till the day that we can see each other again...I had waited at least 10 months for a pitiful 8 hours...but I would wait years just for a minute...