almost there

Damn I am bored to death right now...It's not like I don't have anything to do but rather I don't feel like doing anything. I can't wait till school starts amazingly, yay music classes and tutoring! I'm gonna make min. wage and work like part time but to me that's still a good chunk of money to be making lol most likely to be spent on fast food and video games. I feel kind of bad for Joel with his job. He's been pouring hours upon hours along with more than a hundred dollars for a background check and all the tests he's got to take cost money too, but he hasn't made in money yet. Him and Melinda keep begging me to join their insurance job thing, but what he's going through just shows exactly why I don't want to do it. With my cutco job and what not that sucked enough dealing with my boss and not making sales. But the funny thing, he keeps telling me that you can make sooooooooo much more money in Primerica than Cutco, but I made more in my 2 weeks than he's made in his entire 2 months of Primerica. But he's actually applied himself quite a bit and that's good so it's not all bad.

But I can't wait till school starts for a couple reasons. 1: It gives me something to do during the day and gives me some kind of structure. 2: I can start making money with my tutoring job. But probably what I'm most excited about 3: Girls. I'm tired of sitting around with Melinda and Joel as they get all cuddly on the couch. Not to mention my friend Katie who a mere week or 2 ago said she thought she would never date another guy again is suddenly raving mad about her new boyfriend. Raving mad as in her last 20 posts on facebook are about her freaking out that she hasn't talked to him for an aggonizing 1 hour. All the girls I've attempted at dating this summer have either broke up with me (in the case of Jenae) or rejected me outright. Girls are fun, I have to admit, and I miss that. I want a quality relationship, someone I can talk to is the most important part...And now I'm thinking about how I always just complain in these posts. Maybe that's why people don't really read this...Oh well.

DIFFERENT TOPIC! So I got Scribblenauts today, along with the free rooster hat because I preordered it. So far it is alot harder than I thought it would be. You think being able to type in any object you can think of would make any possible puzzle mind numbingly easy, but that's not the case. I make myself do the challenge level where you replay the same level 3 times only you can't type in any objects you used already. It is HARD. I could spend like an hour on a single level, and this is suppose to be a KIDS game. I think games that look like they are for kids now adays are deceptively frustrating. Sure makes you feel stupid when a game designed for kids outsmarts you.

I'M READING A BOOK! AN ACTUAL BOOK! Wow it's been a long time since I've read an actual book book. I use to read all the time but like alot of things I just stopped doing it one day without thinking about it. But now I'm making a journey through a 1070 page book, and boy is it gonna be a long one. I read around 40 pages every other day lol I'll be amazed if I can have it finished by next month. Plus with school starting next week I have no clue if I'll even read 40 pages a week. But if I finish it I shall be totally proud. It's called Atlas Shrugged by Any Rand. Apparently it's like one of the greatest books ever written and people are crazy about it...I mostly got it because it inspired the videogame Bioshock. But so far I am liking it. I'm at like...140 or 180 pages in. The first 90 pages were really kind of boring to tell the truth, all about the drama that a railroad company is having. But when it actually started to delve into the characters is what sucked me in. Her characters are no where near flat and each of them has their own backstory that defines who they are and gives them a meaning. I'm shit at explaining plot and characters so I'm not even going to attempt, but it can be addicting at times which in my opinion is good. When you start reading and you look up after a couple chapters and notice it's been 2 hours and you still want to read, that's a good book.

Don't ya hate it when you read something but for some reason you start thinking of something but your still reading without paying attention? That's so fucking frustrating. I'm all into the book, something catches my minds attention, I think about it but keep reading, and get completely lost. So then I gotta figure out where the heck I lost track and reread the same part over again. Blarg.

...I need a way to end these, I always just kinda leave it hanging.

nice guys finish last

Is it possible to be too nice? I think I have to say I am at times...I try accomodate for everyone, I want everyone to feel good, to feel respected, to feel cared for and generally feel good. But is that even relatively possible? Sometimes I feel I need to stand up but then that gets people annoyed at me or something and I just can't bring myself to do that. Sometimes I feel like being selfish and just doing what I want and saying to hell with everyone elses feelings but I can't because I think too much of others. Is it really right for me to care about everyone around me rather than myself? Everything is about how other people feel and rarely do I do the things that I would want over other peoples. I'm a nice guy and I try my best to be a nice guy, I pride myself on being polite, gentlemanly, caring and sacraficing. But I think sometimes I may do that TOO much. ARG! I barely even know what I'm complaining about but I feel it's a legitament complaint somehow...Advice anyone? If you can understand what the heck I'm saying

101 random things

I saw that Kelci had done one of these on her blog and I thought it looked like fun

101 Random Things about me

1. I am 19
2. I am eating a burger right now for breakfast
3. I prefer crunchy bacon over squishy
4. I taught myself all my music theory knowledge through books and the internet
5. I can’t stand having my hair more than 2 or 3 finger widths long
6. I measure my hair in finger widths
7. I am HORRIBLE at approximating distances/lengths
8. I use to suck my toes
9. I am still able to suck my toes
10. I can stick both legs behind my head
11. I once punched a girl in the boob at Kung Fu while sparring and she punched me back so hard I almost got a black eye
12. I was sad that I didn’t have a black eye
13. I have a triangle of moles on my right arm
14. I enjoy anime, my favorite being Trigun
15. My life goal is to learn every single band instrument
16. I wish to become a music teacher
17. I’m nervous about what school I’m going to go to next year because I haven’t picked one yet
18. I tend to procrastinate as long as possible
19. When I’m in a group of people I try and get things done as fast as possible
20. I am always a glass half full kind of person
21. I have a horrendous short term memory
22. I have a thing for girls in various types of hats
23. The longest story I have ever written and the only one that I planned all the way through I thought up while I was in the bathroom
24. I use to write a lot more but somehow I don’t anymore
25. I feel guilty about not doing things
26. I still own stuffed animals
27. I still have a pokemon comforter (It’s really warm ok?)
28. I once wanted to be a astronaut
29. I didn’t want to be an astronaut after thinking about being sucked into the vacuum of space
30. I wear contacts
31. When I was little I would “accidentally” leave my glasses in my desk at school so I wouldn’t have to wear them
32. I use to be afraid of being abducted by aliens at night so I slept in the hallway near my room
33. For a year or two I only slept on my bedroom floor
34. I have had 6 girlfriends although I really only think I should count 5 because Jenae was only a week
35. The longest relationship I had was 2 years
36. My longest relationship was a long distance one
37. I sleep with my drivers license in my pocket
38. The lizard on my key chain is known as Lucky Retarded Lizard II
39. I name my instruments and they have to have a meaning
40. My euphonium is called Moby because he’s a big oily beast
41. My acoustic guitar is called Fed Ex because I had to send my original acoustic in to get replaced because of a defect and it took around 2 or 3 months just to get it back and it was delivered by Fed Ex
42. My alto saxophone is called Charlie because it was originally my sisters and she loves unicorns
43. My crappy first act acoustic is Lil Brother because even though I make fun of it and say I hate it, it was still my first guitar and I learned how to play on it
44. My electric guitar is known as Amber because that was my kindergarten crush that everyone made fun of me for and so does my sister for this day
45. I’ve known my best friend, Joel, since kindergarten
46. My second best friend, Melinda, I knew from riding the same bus together since around 5th or 6th grade
47. I dated Melinda for a month
48. Joel and Melinda have been dating for a while now and it makes me feel awkward
49. I am a Gamer
50. The first paycheck I ever got I spent on a Xbox 360, video games, and a controller because I wanted to buy something that would take me forever to save up for
51. I have a very “gotta have it now” attitude when shopping
52.I think that I am a little over weight but I’m fine with that
53. I have accounts on Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook as well as 5 blogs
54. I once had a hamster who died of a cold and I blamed myself
55. I am a cat person, but dogs are ok at times
56. I don’t really know where I stand on kids, they can be fun but at the same time extremely annoying
57. If I were to have kids I would name the girl Hope, because I think hope is a very important part of life and you should always have it, and the boy Zeek, because it’s an awesome name
58. Nearly every night I listen to songs on my MP3 player, figure out what key it’s in, and then play my own solo parts to them for the fun of it/for relaxing
59. I have written around maybe 5 or 6 tunes on the guitar
60. I have written a good number of lyrics but haven’t been able to attach them to music because I’m not good at composing for voice
61. I enjoy figuring out what time signature a song that I’m listening to is in
62. I know how to waltz
63. The only play I’ve been in (other than dinky elementary school plays) was Cinderella
64. I don’t really like much seafood unless it’s deep fried
65. I eat a lot of frozen pizzas
66. Italian food is the bomb
67. I am not a fan of vegetables unless you count potatoes
68. I have only had 1 cell phone and I only got it recently
69. I don’t have a favorite actor or actress
70. My car is known as the Pimp Mobile because one time I fit 4 girls in it and 1 guy in the trunk
71. I love it when girls I like wear my sweatshirt
72. I am known for wearing my band sweatshirt ALL the time (except during the summer)
73. My high school band director nicknamed me Floral Mickey because of the time that I got lost in Disneyland on a band trip and I thought we met at the floral Mickey but we really met at toontown. I ended up running back and forth across all of Disneyland before I finally found them
74. I have hid in my high school band directors basement before
75. I enjoy rice krispie treats
76. I often marvel at the size of outer space
77. I have never done drugs, smoked, or drank alcohol and don’t plan on doing any of them either
78. I wanted to do a sport like wrestling or swimming but I don’t think I’d be able to handle the competitiveness of it all
79. My favorite band is Streetlight Manifesto and is the only band I can name all the members (Jim Conti: Alto and Tenor Sax and backup vocals, Mike Soprano: Trombone, Mike Brown: Alto and Baritone Sax, Chris Thatcher: Drums, Pete Mucullough: Bass, Thomas Kalnoky: Guitar and lead vocals)
80. Ska is my favorite genre of music
81. Rap is my least favorite genre
82. I love out there bands like Movits or Primus
83. I really like waking up early because it makes the day seem longer
84. I love the smell of the forest when you wake up in a tent while camping
85. I use to be afraid of deep water but got over this fear when I was put into life guard training and told to bring up a brick from the bottom of the deep end of the pool
86. I couldn’t swim before life guard class so I was put into beginning swimming
87. I cannot do a cartwheel but can do a mean monkey roll
88. I once nearly knocked a guy out when I kicked him in the face at kung fu
89. I have seen Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog at least 5 times and plan on watching it even more
90. I once ate Fruity Pebbles with Dr. Pepper instead of milk and found it especially fruity
91. I am very picky about expiration dates on food, if it is even 1 day over I wont touch it
92. My favorite breakfast food is hash browns
93. I’m still a virgin
94. I can’t wait till school starts so that I can tutor
95. I have never been grounded
96. I bit my mom on the butt one time when I was really little
97. I try to shave as little as possible except when I hang out with a girl I like, then I make sure to always be clean shaven
98. I have a huge dislike of cotton balls rubbing on my skin, it makes my skin crawl…and I have yet to find anyone else who shares this
99. At times I think that I am too much of a nice guy
100. I love life
101. I wish that I had something really profound to write for this one…

as apposed to an oink cow?

WOOT! New look for the new life of my blog! I guess I'll go ahead and make a bit of an update. (And I'll use paragraphs for once)

So I went to the Renaissance fair on Saturday and it was loads of fun. It was Anna, Andee, Sam, Anna's Mom, and I riding up in the big ol' red monster truck which surprisingly had plenty of leg room. OH! I should explain the cow (yeah, I'm probably not gonna edit this so expect jumps lol) So Andee, Sam and I were driving along and for some odd reason we were talking about cows and Andee said "It's a moo cow" and I said "Is there any other kind of cow?..." and eventually we degraded into arguing and finally she's like "IT'S A FUCKING MOO COW!" And oddly I imagined a moo cow...fucking. So of course from there the conversation moved onto cows raping me...

The moo cow conversation pretty much was a precursor to the conversation that happened in the truck up to the festival. We were just loud and crazy and I was amazed Anna's mom didn't want to kick us out right on the spot. There was a huge mixture of conversations going on so I kind of can't remember off the top of my head what we talked about, but it was pretty special.

The females were all dressed up for the fair. Andee had this very elaborate and fancy shirt with a corset looking kind of vest going on along with a long skirt, Anna had a simple maroon colored dress that Andee hand made for her, and Anna's mom kind of seemed like a hippie but it worked in the end with a green top and long skirt. Sadly Sam and I were not dressed for the fair but we did have fedoras...which makes us awesome.

Part of the fun of people being dressed up is going into restaurants and getting very odd looks. We walked into McDonald's to get some breakfast (it was about 8:30 in the morning at the time) and all the girls in their fancy dresses ordered food and such and the old guys there were kind of checking them out. But we got our food and went on our way.

As we walked to the two lines that were formed at the gates a lady comes over randomly and whispers something in my ear about a zipper. I was really confused and asked her to repeat what she said and she said "Your zipper is undone." So I kind of think about it while I'm walking to the back of the line when it finally hits me...my zipper on the front of my pants was undone. I was all morning, went to McDonald's, and sat in the car for hours without noticing my underwear was on display to all. I'm that awesome.

The first thing that we notice when we made our way into the festival (with all our zippers properly zipped I might add) we notice a blue cat fairy kind of girl who communicated by purring. Everyone that passed by she gave them a tiny colorful pebble without anybody really knowing what it was. Was it a fish pebble?...a piece of candy?........drugs?..........Sam actually tried eating his and we still weren't sure.

Off to the booths we went. There were a lot of clothes of course and Andee was desperately trying to dress Sam and I up because we looked totally out of place but that would involve spending money and I was kind of reluctant since I was trying to save mine. Eventually though Sam got a peasants shirt and a robin hood looking hat. (which we later found out actually has a fancy Velcro pocket INSIDE the hat! GENIUS!)I got some goggles though which I put on Andee's fedora and everyone thought it looked pretty cool so now I gotta buy a fedora of my own lol I've been meaning to but now there's more of an incentive.

There was alot going on that day since it was the last day but we only caught one show which was a cool horse show. But before the horse show was the opening entertainment. There were these two girls (one dressed as a peasant and the other as a jester) and they were insulting people with Shakespearean quotes for a dollar and for 2 dollars you could even get insulted in a verse. Anna's mom was the first customer and I was the first victim. I didn't quite catch it all but apparently I am so dense that light bends AROUND me. I then thought it would be fun to pay them to insult a random person I didn't know and payed them to insult a girl that was sitting right infront of me and she just kind of looked back at me and glared lol good times.

The show it self was pretty awesome, guys doing backflips from one horse to another while going in a circle, standing ontop of each others shoulders while on a horse while going in a circle, juggling 5 sticks while on a horse going in a circle, and lots of crazy things not normally done while riding a horse in a cricle.

In the end Andee ended up buying some daggers (everyone was terrified the way home) and everybody ended up with more stuff and less money than when they entered. So that was my day in a little bit bigger than a nut shell.

Last day

Well we are leaving the beach tomorrow. Lucky it finally cleared up since it's been raining soo much. So we did more than just antique shops luckily today, we went and got breakfast at this cool beach view breakfast place, went to the aquarium, and then we went to antique shops lol And then we went off to get dinner at this roadhouse restaurant. I thought I would be daring and try a "flamethrower burger" and asked without the jalapenos but I got the full spicy deal when I got through half and found out they didn't hear that part of the order. Now each time I burp it burns. But then we got back and my sis, mom, and I went for a walk on the beach as the sun kind of sorta started to set. I played in the water as we walked along, splashing and getting wet, my sister stepped her feet in it, and my mom avoided the water at all costs. We just kept walking and I had various thoughts about how walking the beach could be a metaphor. You can look across the beach for such great distances and you can see what lies ahead of you, and it just keeps coming. Even though you walk for hours and hours there's still more to come, still more to explore...but yeah, whatever lol I was assaulted by sand fleas though. When I was little I would run in terror and scream if I saw sand fleas, now I just kind of walk through them as they bounce off my feet. But even so...it still kind of creeps me out on some level...It's like spiders. I'm perfectly fine if I see a spider, I'm just like "Oh look, a spider." but then when I run face first into a web I just kind of claw at my face and then take a showers lol But yeah, can't wait to get back home and hang with people. Andee and Anna are taking me to a renaissance fair ^.^ YAY! It's gonna be butt loads of fun. Knights, swords, horses, girls in corsets, blacksmiths, more girls in corsets....ok, i'll stop being a stupid male lol But I gotta get it out sometimes. Girls are allowed to talk about hot guys all the time and their washboard abs and it just gets shrugged off but guys that talk about boobs once in a blue moon are frowned upon...anyway, yeah lol I guess that shall be enough for now. That's 2 posts in 2 days, craaaaaaaaaaaaazy. I can't think of any other time this has happened, maybe I should like sift through all my posts from the years and check just for the heck of it...or Kelci could for me lol YAY FOR NEW READER! ^.^ Appreciate it

existentialism in lincoln city

Well I haven't posted in a while really...Figured I might as well. So I'm on vacation right now in Lincoln City right beside the beach. It really and truly is beautiful. It's been raining pretty much the entire time we've been here and we've just been looking at antique shops pretty much. It's been really boring...But it did clear up around sunset, which leads to a lil story to explain my current situation. So my sister and I went out to the beach while the sun was setting to take pictures and there was a couple walking near the surf. As the waves lap gently at their feet, their bodys faceless as they are nothing but silhouettes to mine and the cameras eye. They turned to look each other as they held hands, these faceless images. Merely looking at them I know of not where they come from, who they are, or even what they look like beyond their simple body figures outlined by the rainbow sky of the sunset. Compared to the size of the sea, to the sun itself setting in the horizon, to the world that encompasses them, they are but a speck. But together they held each other and gazed into each others eyes with love. To face the worlds challenges with nothing but each other. It made me sad. I am at the moment alone in this life of mine. Sure, I'm surrounded by friends and family, but not someone I can just hold and in my arms and have a deep connection with emotionally. I'm so unlike my other species of male sometimes. Heck, even my female friends are more sexual than me, wondering why the heck I don't plan on having sex anytime soon. I just want to feel a connection with someone soo much more badly than I want to get laid. Although I'm not without physical needs, I really want to cuddle as well lol wow I sound like a wimp...But it's true. I'm just missing holding and being held by a girl that really cares for me. I'm really too sappy for my own good...But I don't have too many dating options latelly so I'm really kind of stuck. There is this one girl I think I might ask out though. I wont name any names just in case, you just never know, but we so far have gotten along and had fun together so I figure, what the heck I'll ask. I gotta find the right time though...which is the tricky thing. I'm sure we have our differences, me being agnostic and what not...Every girl I date always has a different belief pretty much. I've dated a mormon, a 2 kinds of catholics, a baptist, a non denominational christian and even a wicca and we've never gotten into debates or anything really. I respect religion greatly even though mines kind of not that accepted by some people...I mean, I accept the possiblility that there is a God, but I personally don't believe in one. Yeah yeah yeah...it's weird, it's stupid, it's indecisive, but it's what I believe in. But I respect every religion as long as if follows the golden rule: treat others how you wish to be treated. When religion boils down isn't that what it's all about? To respect each other and live in peace and harmony, who the heck would be against that? Even though I don't have a book or church to tell me how to do things I just simply dedicate myself to being the best person I can be. To help others out when ever I can, never judge people unfairly, and ALWAYS live by the golden rule. But I guess even with me being a nice person some people simply wont date me. Oh well...but I'm just gonna keep looking and hopefully it all works out. (Wow I kind of went off topic there lol getting all existential when basically all I wanted to say is "dang it I'm lonely, I need to get a girlfriend..." oh well lol)

For-never say forever again

Well I guess I'll just kinda post this here so not everyone in the world sees it. I believe only 1 or 2 people have the slight chance to see this at all. But anyways. So my crappy situation happens to be with a friend of mine. I've known her since about 6th grade and she's always ridden my bus and we talk on the phone and I can pretty much tell her ANYTHING. She is like the little sister I never had. I mean, she is alot more easy to talk to than my real sister because we just kind of connect. But anyways, the problem is her boyfriend is moving...and he dumped...and he's being ass to her...and she's pregnant...and now she's moving to New York because she can't handle life here because it reminds her of him. Yeah, it's kind of a stack of one thing after the other.

It's just total crap that her boyfriend leaving happened to be at the time when she found out she's pregnant. I mean, gosh. At least she told her parent and they're understanding of it because the same thing happened to her mom and what not. But she definately wasn't planning on getting pregnant at this point in her life, being just a freshman and all. Now she understands why her parents always tried to protect her from Bobby. I mean, it's not that they were out to "hurt her relationship" or that they "don't understand her" it's because they don't want crap like this to happen.

And also she doesn't understand at all why her boyfriend dumped her. He dumped her even before he knew she was pregnant. Sure he was moving but before he always said if one of them moved they could work it out. They always said they would be together forever...but we all know how how long that "forever" really turns out to be. Forever can destroy people, and personally for me saying forever is hard and I just can't see why people would say it. Never say forever is my advice...

But anyways, on to other things that are not soo depressing but are still in a way. Well we went to state in basketball again of course. Mark Morris just plain kicks ass that way. The bus rides up and back were great, 2 hours of playing Metroid Prim Hunters or Mario Kart on our DS's, just plain bugging each other. Course the games were fun as well. I blew my lungs out with my valve trombone. All those other years in pep band when i played trumpet all I ever heard was "Play better!" because I would ever blow and blat, but when I picked up valve trombone all I heard was "Play louder!" I still remember when I was the only trombone at a football game and Laura Mahon was yelling "More trombone!" and I never stopped giving it my all.

I was the loudest person this year pretty much. I just love the sheer endless power the trombone gives me. I figured all those years with trumpet, I was just too powerful for it. On trombone it was just like the louder the better. I blew people temporarily deaf, twas great. Also my traditional charge fanfare during kick offs at football and the ends of basketball games. I just loved when I was the only one and I blasted that fanfare, just listening to the blaring echo.

But it's the end of a generation. The end of the generation of speeches from James, of the band mating call, and even the tradition that I started of the charge. I just can't believe it's been 4 years since that day in disneyland when all of us went down the road of toontown doing the mating call, going down the grizzly river run as a 50 person group. I went to every single state game and I barely missed any pep games ever. But anyways, onto more recent memories.

Well the second to last game was probably the most exciting game I've ever been to. It was crazy, Eric Hutchinson did an alley oop I believe, where the ball is heading toward the basket and he slam dunks it. Also we were done the whole game be pretty much 10 points most of the time and with 7 seconds left in the quarter we were only down by 3 and we would be tied. And then Jyles Peterson scored a 3 pointer and tied it up, everyone just EXPLODED! It was outrageous he made that shot, I was jumping up and down like mad. But in the end, after the overtime we lost. But it was still awesome. The last game wasn't too exciting, just a blow out for us which gave us 3rd place. But what made me sad was the last state game I go on on the band bus...we didn't go down the roller coaster hill. I was just destroyed. EVERYONE loves the roller coaster hill except that fucking bus driver...damn her to hell...

But anyways, memories memories..yeah I'm done now I suppose.

A Better Place, A Better Time by Streetlight Manifesto

(I wish I wrote this...)



And so she wakes up
in time to break down
She left a note up on the dresser
and she's right on time
You don't know anything
right or wrong
I said I know
and she said so
I wanna panic
but I've had it so I go
You don't owe anything to anyone

But don't take your life
'cause it's all that you've got
You'd be better off just up and leaving
if you don't think they will stop

And when you wake up
everything is gonna be fine
I guarantee that you wake in a better place
in a better time
So you're tired of living
feel like you might give in
well don't
it's not your time

Looking through the paper today
looking for a specific page
Don't wanna find her full name followed by dates
because when i left her alone
she made a sound, like a moan
"You're known by everyone for everything you've done"
Fuck buying flowers for graves
I'd rather buy you a one way non-stop
to anywhere
find anyone
do anything
forget and start again, love
She said she won't go
(and that's that)
It hurts too much to stand by
you've got to stop and draw a line
Everyone here has to choose a side tonight
the moment of truth is haunting you
Don't forget your family
regardless what you choose to do
You can't decide
and they're screaming "why won't you?"
I'll start the engine but I can't take this ride for you
I'll draw your bath and I'll load your gun
but I hope so bad that you bathe and hunt

Annie's tired of forgetting about today
and always planning for tomorrow (tomorrow)
Tomorrow and she says, "The saddest day I came across was
when I learned that life goes on without me" (without me)
Without me and she says, "If everyone has someone else,
then I ain't got nobody's love to save me" (save me)
Save me, and she says "I think I'll pass away tonight,
'cause it seems I'll never get it right, it's just me" (just reality)

And when you wake up
everything is gonna be fine
Guarantee that you wake in a better place
in a better time
So you're tired of living
feel like you might give in
well don't
It's not your time

Annie says she wouldn't mind
if they never find a cure for all her problems (her problems)
Proplems and she says, as long as she has someone near to make it clear
she does not need to solve them (solve them)
Solve them and she says, "oh, this loneliness is killing me,
it's filling me with anger and resentment (resentment)
Resentment and she says, "I'm turning into someone that I never thought I'd have to be again"

And when you wake up
everything is gonna be fine
Guarantee that you wake up in a better place
in a better time
So you're tired of living
feel like you might give in
well don't
It's not your time

Annie's tired of forgetting about today
and always planning for tomorrow
Tommorow and she says, "The saddest day i came acrosss was
when I learned that life goes on without me"
Without me and she says, "If everyone has someone else,
then I ain't got nobody's love to save me"
Save me and she says, "I think I'll pass away tonight,
'cause it seems I'll never get it right, it's just me" (just reality)

And when you wake up
everything is going to be fine
I guarantee that you wake in a better place
and in a better time
So you're tired of living
and you feel like you might give in
well don't
It's not your time

And even if it was so
I wouldn't let you go
you could run run run run but I will follow close
Someday you will say "that's it, that's all"
but I'll be waiting there with open arms to break your fall
I know that you think that you're on your own
but just know that I'm here
and I'll lead you home
if you let me
She said "forget me"
but I can't

Yellow Line

A song I wrote recently, Alec is helping me compose it. Latelly I have really turned to song writing, I've written three sets of lyrics including this one. Maybe I'll write enough and create a sepereate blog for them...who knows.

Yellow Line

Walk alone, stand on the line but never let go.
As we walk this path in between such danger,
everything seems blurred,
and all gets so much stranger.

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.

Torn between choices,
each as dangerous as the last,
traffic on either side,
trying to escape from the past.

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.
(Increase tempo)

Take a chance and jump into traffic,
which side is safer?,
either way might be tragic…
Walking this line is all that keeps me safe,
I have never truly decided,
walking this line,
I am purely divided.

(Instrumental solo)

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.

As the death of metal swoops by on each side,
this yellow line is all that keeps me alive,
because I simply can’t decide.

So I jumped…
(decrescendo out)

the night of the star fall and rebirth

For once in years, I am not wearing a necklace that Loki has given me. Ever since breaking up I've had to do my own soul searching, finding my self and finding the strength. I am now wearing my own dragon necklace, one I've had for years but never wore because I wanted to wear Loki's instead and I've taken down the pictures that she drew for me and put them in a special box along with other memories. The necklace not as cool looking and it has a red stone the same color as the other dragon but it's smaller. I guess recently I've began to really learn that Loki wasn't the only one that loved me because I have my friends there for me. Kim, Melinda, Alec, Chloe, Molly, and Joel to some degree, they all love me as a friend and I guess now more than ever I realize that. Latelly I've just been thinking about this whole love thing. I loved Loki, theres no doubt about that and if anyone says I didn't truly love her I will smack them so fucking I'll break their jaw. I loved Loki and I still do, there no doubt about that, but I'm not letting us breaking up tear me down. I'm finding my own strength and my friends are there to. Loki will still be with me in a way and I'm glad for that because it helped me get over the initial shock of the break up. But now, with the experience and confidence Loki has given me I am going out to experience the world again. "Burn and start again" is a lyric I have stuck in my head latelly. I am not destroying the memories I have of her because they gave me soo much joy, there is no reason to rid my mind of them, that is why I am keeping the special box. Loki will always be in my heart, but now I know she doesn't have to be the only one that helps give me strength. I thank all my friends and I'm glad all of you stick with me in my times of need. Now I guess I'm out to find new experiences and even though it doesn't seem right, but I'm excited. I guess I'm going to go out dating again, but I'm not going to want an extrememly serious relationship. I guess now I'm finally taking my dads advice...I don't think I could handle another serious relationship, at least not now. Plus I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to replace Loki because that is NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO! I just want to make that clear to anyone I know who might stumble upon this. All I'm going to do is get some new experiences under my belt and just kind of figure out what exactly the world holds...I want to see other perspectives, meet new people, figure myself out, and just plain have fun. (but not at their expense or anything of course) And I wish to thank Loki for all of this, because even though we did not work out she is the one that gave me soo much joy and made me who I am today. I am the poetic, sappy, loveable, huggable, weirdo that I am today and I owe you soo much...my Kittymunk...I just want you to know that...

(Some people may have heard me mention a Luvs List. It's something I've been doing with a few of my friends that are more than friends, but friends I luv. This list isn't exactly all that long but you will know if your on it if I leave you saying "Luvs ya" or something along those lines [although not with guys...because no offense to them but I don't want to seem gay. Although this does make me seem sorta gay I admit...but I don't want to seem out right "i love your purse" kind of gay. {although I am not against gays in anyway, I just don't want to seem like I am}])

journal for once in a 100 years

Well I wanted to write one of these for the lack of one in months upon months. Well I guess the biggest change yet would definately have to be Loki and I breaking up. I don't want to go into too much detail because I know I will rant on and on and on. She says that I was too nice to her for all the things shes done, and I guess I would have to agree with that. I was scared because this was my first relationship and I hardly knew what to do 50% of the time, so I was nice as I possibly could be and never really layed down the law so to speak when she did something I didn't agree with. I was being way too sugar coated and clingy in a way. We're still friends and that helps me...I still love her more than anything and I always will but I eventually I will move on. I may be sad now but I refuse to give up on myself and even if it takes a while, I know things will get better. Loki will always be in my heart for all that she had done for me. She as the first to ever truly love me for who I am, she knew me better than even Joel who I've known since kindergarten, she taught me to be myself and how to be more open in what I really think and believe, and one of my favorites is she taught me to finally be able to stand up to the assholes that try and make fun of me instead of being silent.
Well ok enough of that, I've done well enough not to dwell on things too much already and I don't want to be depressed because thats not going to help me or anyone around me...But onto other recent events I suppose. I went to the Clark County Fair yesterday and Alice Cooper had a concert! XD Loki is jealous. I would have told her about it but I didn't even know that he was playing until I heard Schools Out For Summer was playing and giant balloons were flying everywhere ^^; sorry Loki, I would have told ou if I knew. But ya know...maybe I'm a point or two cooler now. And while we were at the fair we bought a hot tub!!! n.n YAY! Getting a gazeebo thingy and putting in a patio majiger. Although whats not awesome is having to tear up the lawn with shovels all day in the hot sun to be able to put it in x.x ugh, blisters. But it is totally gonna be worth it ^^ HOT TUB PARTY!!! mwhuahahaha o.O I will be the party master for once!
Now on the subject of hot tubs, my friend Molly and I are trying to start a band sometime in the future. Originally se wanted an irish punk band but seeing as noone can play bag pipes we're just going to make music hat sounds good to us which partly explains our name, Hot Tub Orgy, an orgy of musical tastes ^^ So far we got trumpet, guitar, keyboard, and a vocalist. Although we gotta get to practiing our indivdual instruments seeing as Joel doesn't practice much, Molly hasn't sung for nearly a year and even then she didn't even know note names, then Brittany needs to learn keyboard in the first place. I'm probably the best player in the band amazingly...
But yeah, thats about all except maybe school coming and all...weee...

Failing Flailing by Streetlight Manifesto

ah you say you've got the cure,
but i don't have a disease,
and you say you've got the answers,
but i've made no inquiries,and you're failing,
bailing,
good god motherfucker now i hear you flailing,
i see you flailing,
that's right i think i do,
i see you flailing away,

i know it's hard but so are you,
and so am i and we'll pull through together,

Together,
and i said that it's been years but i still fear,
that someone dear will leave me here forever,
forever and i said: hey! you've got to keep trying,
you've got to keep holding onto what you've got,
because what you've got it sure ain't a lot,
and hey!,
everyone's falling down,
everyone's holding out for what you've got,
but what you've got, it sure ain't a lot,
and you act like it is but you know that it's not,
and even if it was,
would you ever give it up?,
if i told you what you had was really nothing?
nothing?,
nothing!,
yes, it's nothing,
nothing at all,

so you say your life's a bore,
and i can't quite disagree,
if you judge your life by the pieces of shit that inhabit your tv,
because they stand so proud,
and they talk too loud,
and every other word is a lie,
i've found that everyone who is anyone is a waste of time,
a waste of time,

i know it's hard but so are you,
and so am i and we'll pull through together,
together,
and i said that it's been years but i still fear,
that someone dear will leave me here forever,
forever and i said: hey! you've got to keep trying,

you've got to keep holding onto what you've got,
because what you've got it sure ain't a lot,
and hey!,everyone's falling down,
everyone's holding out for what you've got,
but what you've got,
it sure ain't a lot,
and you act like it is but you know that it's not,
and even if it was,
would you ever give it up?,
if i told you what you had was really nothing?,
nothing?,nothing!,
yes, it's nothing,
nothing at all,

nothing,
you won't say nothing,
you don't say nothing,
and that's just fine,
nothing,
you won't say nothing,
you don't say nothing,
and that's just fine,

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me,
and it's been years but still i fear that someday they'll desert me,
oh, it's hard,
i know,
when it's time to stand alone,
and no one understands you,

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me,
and it's been years but still i fear that someday they'll desert me,
oh, it's hard,
i know,when it's time to stand alone,
and no one understands you,

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me,
and it's been years but still i fear that someday they'll desert me,
oh, it's hard,
i know,when it's time to stand alone,
and no one understands you,

Lifes Roller Coaster, Midnight Shoppers

^^ I am proud of it so far, especially with the plot I have planned. And I love you people who read this soo much I used paragraphs for once =P (even though blogger is fucking retarded when it comes to paragraphs -.- )

Cold hard night,
Insanity on the prowl,
What is right?
Bringing death,
Or instead taking,
Your final breath,
What is normal?
What is life
Without moral?
Feeling no shame,
Follow twisted love,
Pushing the blame.
Decide and find,
Life beyond rules,
Have your own mind.

Life’s Roller Coaster Ch. 1:
Midnight Shoppers

__The dark wispy night air swirled about the lonely 7/11, cloudy upon the witching hour. It was beacon in the night for those seeking refuge in its short halls of high calorie snack foods and sugary treats. Its sign seemed to float in the air a hundred feet towards the stars, a dim sun in the night. Bugs flew about it. Dark and lonely on the street corner of Pacific and Atlantic avenues. The streetlights did flicker, as if the moths bouncing off it interfered with the electricity. A hound barked in the distance. The whistle of the wind sounded like the whisper of a white ghost. A mysterious owl hooted atop a nearby tree, sounding like a muse of Satan out to bring the weak minded to the side of fire and brimstone. At least that is how it had been pictured in Jeff’s mind. A mere sixteen year old boy, hood up, slurping on a icee.
__Such superstition and eccentricities always seemed to squirm about his mind at these darkened hours. Thoughts of Caesar’s ghost coming around and grinding a skateboard on the sidewalk or maybe a giraffe driving from inside the bowels of a living car seemed to drift through his confused and shattered brain. None seemed impossible, merely improbable. Fantasy had always shared a place along side the reality of every day life in Jeff’s actualization of the world, for what is a man without imagination? Of course these thoughts did come from a teenager, which explained a bit. His hooded black sweatshirt had a metallic blue dragon twisting around his arm with a threatening snarl. Baggy grayed cargo pants drooped to the floor draping across his shoes with scraggly ends which he often treaded upon. With night black hair and brown eyes that were glazed lightly with fatigue. The quiet type of kid but with such imagination, his grips upon his emotions seemed stressed. Fickle and read to snap.
_It had been weeks since the disappearance of Lilly and all that calmed his spastic hold upon his self being was the simply blue zooberry icee he sipped on. Like an old man with a cigarette, he dragged a long gulp from the straw. Savored the cold, brain ceasing up. Brain freeze was his own version of self masochism while the mesmerizing motion of the mixer always brought him into a state of peace. His own little ritual when these teenage days got hectic. Lilly had simply left the house and had not returned. No boyfriend to speak of nor agitation from parents to explain her departure. Simply up and left without a word. Tired of searching for the streets for the night, his nerves tested and twitching, he sought refuge in this nearby establishment.
__These sunless hours always brought about the more colorful people of town in search of that late night fix, whether it be a beer, tobacco, and on a few occasions the much needed scent of febreeze before a good nights sleep. People just seemed to be drawn to the mildly blue tinted fluorescent lights that hummed on those late nights, as if moths to a flame. It just seemed to be one of those nights. The stereotypical comic book nerd sat behind the counter. His fragile folded chair creaked as his flab overflowed out from under his stained star wars shirt that had long since been instilled with the smell of moldy cheese. His hair drawn back in a greasy orange pony tail, glasses fixed with duct tape. Blue lightsaber always at his side, he was prepared to defend his store if need be. Being the not so friendly neighbor hood that this was, a man had once come around high on meth. With a gun in hand, the man tried to rob the store. But what is a nerd to do backed into a corner with no weapon to retaliate? So he pulled out his lightsaber and declared the code of the Jedi sending the meth head off into the distance, scared as a baby battle droid. Before then he was a star trek fan, yet now his faith lies with the force. A legend or possibly urban legend of the town.
__Jeff soon approached the counter with a handful of quarters with which to pay for his cup of icy sugar. The nerd took the money without looking up from his X-Men comic “Thank you, come again.” he said shooing Jeff away with his hand, as if his mere presence was irritating. Jeff took another sip from his icee and responded “Yeah your welcome dude, or do you still want people to call you Wolverine?” of course, Jeff was not in the best of moods. Walking away the nerd flipped him off again without looking away from his comic as Jeff happily returned the gesture walking backwards through the push doors. A spark and there was darkness. Without warning he was shoved to the ground.
__His own face squished his icee onto the floor exploding the blue ooze in his own face. Trying to sit up, he was pinned to the ground as a man sat on his hips. Cold metal was pressed to the base of his neck. Death frozen to his flesh. “Freeze!” a gruff voice shouted, pointing the gun to the nerd who had finally had enough sense to pry his eyes from Storm’s boobs on page 15. Looking onto the ground the icee seeped across the floor drawing rivers, trailing off with each second as all three were captured in time. Darkness seemed to fill Jeff’s ears from the silence. Flickering, the sun of 7/11 was the only light penetrating to cast a faint glow. Jeff could feel his heart throb, almost seeing his own breath. Not even the lights of a passing car highlighted them. The man grabbed Jeff by the back of his sweatshirt and tugged him to his feet. “I emptied the cash register, there is nothing in there except this weirdos seventy-five cents!” the nerd said raising his pit stained arms over his head out of instinct. “Just stay where you are!” the man with the gun shouted waving it threateningly. His voice was rough, his breath malignant and stale. The man seemed old yet he stood at 5’6”, a few inches shorter than Jeff. Putting the gun on Jeff’s shoulder, still holding him by his hood, he aimed it at the nerd near the cash register, ready to fire at a twitch. Looking out of the corner of his eye Jeff could only see a long nose protruding from a gray hooded sweatshirt that covered the mans face. In a way it reminded him of Snape from Harry Potter, seeming sinister and curved like the beak of an eagle, his face was indistinguishable in the darkness.
__Slowly the man tugged Jeff to his right until they had turned around the counter, keeping the abyssal hole of the muzzle pointed at the pale faced nerd. Jeff could feel a cold drip of moisture drag slowly down from his eye across his cheek. Possibly a tear heavy with fear, or the melting icee that was still splattered over his face. Coming within a couple feet of the nerd with his hands still high and odor racing even more than usual from his pores, the man stood still for a few seconds letting go of Jeff’s hood yet leaving the gun on his shoulder. They were blocking the only open side of the counter, and with his athletic stature the nerd would not be able to get over the counter fast enough to avoid the mans aim. Jeff could feel the mans body heat against his back as shifted, pulling something from a sheath at his side. Not being able to see for himself, Jeff could merely speculate what the man had in his spare hand from the reflection of fear in the nerd’s eyes.
__The man gave a low snickering sort of laugh, sounding like the growl of a lion, again something that would easily be imagined in a story of mystical fiction. Cold steel grazed across his cheek. Adrenaline pumped through his skin, not feeling the pain as a knife was drawn across his cheek. Blood dripped to the floor, lightly colored purple from the zooberry. A long silence grew as Jeff’s face leaked with tears, blood, mucus, and sugar water. Flicker of the lights. Bark in the distance. Hoot of the owl. Time stands still. Gun on the right. Knife on the left. Death stricken man in front. Homicidal maniac behind.
__Finally the man spoke “I shall give you two choices. Now, you see your friend over here?” he said as the knife lifted away, looking like more of a dagger from its size. “He will die either choice you make, but you my friend.” he said patting his face with the side of his gun “Will be deciding between life, or death.” The nerd’s knees seemed to tremble below him, his arms being drawn lower as he tried to back up against the wall. “DON’T MOVE!” the man shouted point the gun straight out at him. The nerd froze. “Now, either I put a bullet through his head and yours.” the man said seeming to aim up the barrel with his left eye and the mans head. “Or…“ slowly he lowered the knife close to Jeff’s hand, placing it in his palm and curling his fingers around it with his stone cold touch. The joints in Jeff’s hand seemed to ache as if bathing them in ice water for an hour as he took the weight of the knife in his hand. Pushing lightly, he had Jeff stand in front of him a few feet putting with the gun still on his shoulder. “Or…You can cut off this poor mans head with your own hands, and live.”
__With those words Jeff’s pupils dilated so fast he swore he could feel it shake his head. “Are…are you kidding me? I am…not…” the man smacked him lightly on the cheek again with the side of his gun. “Oh yes you are, that is unless you have a death wish...” Jeff seemed to feel the chill of the mans sneer, even if he could not turn around and see his face. The nameless man did not make a move as the nerd slowly sunk back into a corner. They say teenagers could never understand the true pressure of making decisions in the real world, saying that they did not know the line between right and wrong. Yet when those people say such things they are attempting to fool themselves. Never is there a line between right and wrong, merely perspective. Everyone sees everything differently and as long as they have justification they believe what they did was right. But at this frozen moment in time, there was not right or wrong. There was only survival.
__Again the man gave Jeff a nudge, yet his touch felt distant as a ghost. “Choose.” he said sternly. Slowly, Jeff took the weight of the knife, holding it up with the power of courage or simply fear. He had decided. And from then on, he knew, life was never going to be the same.

something to work on during spring break maybe

Funny how the world had always looked from high above, all the horrors of life pulled back down to earth by gravity letting your soul soar from the lightened load. Sitting high atop an old roller coaster car which was stuck at the peak of the hill, such a place of mixed emotions it is up there. Feelings of adventure, of terror, or excitement, of love and trust as you rode along with that special someone because you felt comfortable near them while taking that first plunge off a two hundred foot drop. Looking about the world as the sun set on such a serene day, wispy clouds that dared not hold rain, floating above the world allowing ones imagination to decipher its true shape and form. A glow of warmth still shone over the horizon as a gentle breeze blew about, warming yet bringing about the sweet smell that is the end of summer. Down below was the tattered streets of an abandoned theme park, trash strew about yet the still faint scent of cotton candy could be detected. Looking out it all spread out into the parking lot, a desert of sorts with rows of streetlights just barely flickering as they prepared to offer light in the dark only to the ghosts that did dwindle there now. Asphalt soon gives way to a nearby forest in the softened distance. Past all the humanity there was nothing but nature leading out to the edges of the world meeting up with the orange of the sun which shone its own form of rainbows upon the clouds. It is all a sight to behold, one that I would keep in the background of my mind forever. “This roller coaster just seems ever so slightly like life to some.” I said to myself, the only audible sounds above the wind being the tweets of birds as the leaves did shiver. “Life begins out as you claw your way to the top ever so slowly, click by click, feeling each jostling tug as you begin to crescendo to the climax. Excitement rising as you reach toward the future that you had once planned upon. But at that peak you do not have the time to enjoy what lies in wait for you, a beautiful world of colors and where the world seems endless. And then…” I laughed to myself deep in my throat. “the world sends you down hill, plummeting towards the ground and all you can do…” slowly I did pull myself out of the car of the roller coaster, my shoes leaving intricate patterns of blood down the stairs towards the car station. The severed head of a young blonde girl lain beside me, blood trailing mascara down upon her now pail and lifeless cheeks, her golden locks were matted with clots of blood that rooted from a ten inch knife protruding from her skull, the body laid twisted upon the floor while blood still seeped from the stump of her neck. A crow flew down from a nearby tree and landed in the sea of maroon, picking at the layers of muscles and veins. “Is hang on for your life…”

Days of Spring

It's finally the first couple days of spring. Personally I don't really care nor mind, it's basically the same as winter cause all it does is rain around here lol. But as they say, love is in the air. My friend Smurf finally asked the guy she liked out. For a while she was a little scared to ask cause they were friends for a while and he was already set on asking out another girl. Andy (the guy) actually asked the girl he liked out to the dance but she never gave him an answer. Smurf talked to the girl it turns out she never even liked Andy all that much, but she gave Smurf the ok to go ahead and ask him. Of course, with some females they have to be all tactical and secretive about asking guys out so she had her friends ask if he liked her and if he would like to ask her out sometime. He just kind of shifted a bit and said he would "think about it" But in the end he said yes, and Kim whos friends with Smurf was just jumping around in excitment when she heard about it. At first they just walked around together, talking here and there. Andy was always kinda the quiet type and kind of shy. But after a week or so he let Smurf hang onto his arm and sorta cling to, and pretty soon they were holding hands and he was even the one to grab hers instead of the other way around. Maybe it took him a bit to finally have the awkward-ness go away -.- and of course all my other friends, including Smurfs brother of course, really didn't help. Her brother Jeremey just kept yelling at Andy "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?" but of course they are the type of brother and sister that fight and make fun of each other alot so it's expected. If anything Jeremey doesn't really care, but he is actually probably jealous cause he has a secret crush of his own he's too chicken to ask out. All their friends just keep bugging them a little and having fun with it going "Awwwwww" when they hug, Smurf doesn't mind but Andy kinda does since he's easily emberrassed. But even though it is in it's early stages of their relationship, they are doing pretty well. Smurf is really the affectionate type and Andy (this is merely a guess cause I've only met Andy this year and he's often pretty quiet) is the type to be romantic but still shy untill he can really warm up. I think they could really go far, but if anything Andy is more likely to break up with Smurf either because he doesn't feel his ready or doesn't think it's really working out, he would still want to be friends and everything of course since he is so nice. But of course his nice-ness might instead keep him with her even when he really doesn't like her the same way, but I do feel it could go a long way. Latelly they have even been wearing each others band nickname sweatshirts. Mr. Swecker today said "We are only going to play Village Green (which is the bands favorite song since it's fun and easy) if Smurf can get boys off her mind." and Andy just hides behind his baritone with an emberrassed sorta grin. I feel jealous though...it has always kinda been a romantic sorta fantasy of mine to give a girl my sweatshirt ^^;; heh, it would just be so cute seeing Loki with my oversized sweatshirt on n.n but ummm...I don't think I would fit hers lol.....*stops day dreaming* Well umm...back to Andy and Smurf. Today was kind of a lil landmark for them, their first kiss n.n so romantic and they just make a cute couple (<---...yes I know that makes me sound girly, but it's true) Smurf just whispered it to Kim secretly and she passed it on to me and we just jumped for joy when she left cause we were so happy for them ^^ eveyone just kinda stared at us O.o but it was the first kiss for both of them and it's just so cute. *sigh* Spring really is the season for lovers...It just makes me miss Loki seeing them together. Just makes me think of when we saw a movie and she saw me nervous and rested her head on my should...I remember how long it took me to finally hold her hand, sitting there with my hand moving just ever so slowly towards hers untill I could finally grab it. Then how it felt to hug her, attacking her and squeezing her tight feeling her warmth. And then the first kiss just still gives me that weird feeling in my stomache and all light headed out of joy. I can't wait untill she finally moves back and I can give her all the hugs and kisses that I want. Also n.n I've kinda been looking forward to tugging her along on a leash like she promised =P and I wouldn't mind letting her do the same to me. But you know...it's really the idea of having someone to love and care for and do the same for me. Holding hands and snuggling together under the blankets and whispering to her how much I love her over and over. I know it sounds crazy...but maybe even go to a dance. Less for the rap and hip hop crap they play and all the other people there because none of my friends ever go to dances, but for the slow dance. Yeah, I'm just the sappy romantic type...I just can't wait ^^

meh

Yeah, it's another venting post and yeah it's about Loki. Those seem to be the things I write most in this thing anymore. I hope not to make this too long. Basically Loki had a problem that I never knew about. There were hints galore but no I simply shrugged them off and thought to myself "No, she wouldn't do that." but I guess I was wrong. She said nothing about it and I was too damn afraid to know the truth in anyway. There were times when she did it and I saw parts of the after math...and those were some of the scariest, confusing, and upsetting things ever. But why did she do it? Doing something so destructive yet I didn't know because she thought I knew already but I didn't...but know I do. Even though it does not change how much I love her I guess...it's something I still have to deal with it on my own. She has stopped doing it latelly (and she sure as hell shouldn't again because there is no telling how mad I will be. I know I can trust her to try but if she does again, it's not gonna be pretty.) But should I be mad for something I never knew about? Mad at myself for never taking the action to find out the truth as the question ached in the back of my mind for so long. Maybe I should just move on, the problem has passed and hopefully will not come up again (and it better not) I know I sound like im threatening alot but I need to vent. Cause if I get soo much as a hint that she might do it I would slap her upside the head >< and not just on the internet. Blah...But....I know she wont, but I suppose it's just one of those problems I have but I have to make a threat because I did for the other thing. One of the reasons I hate my mom is because she does stuff that I dont like and I have no control over it. That no control thing is a problem with long distance relationships. Just not knowing whats going on and not knowing how to deal with a problem if there is one just drives me insane and up the walls. Naturally I want to fix problems but sometimes I can't do anything about it. It's like driving, you watch the other person with the wheel and tell them all the stupid things they do but when you actually grab hold of the wheel those bonehead things arent as big of a deal and it's your mistake so you know how to deal with it. I know it's a weird analogy but I'm weird. I just can't wait till she finally moves back, I'll be able to see her all the times and I can quit freaking out and being a worry wart....like I always am...

A Month of Improvement

Well this is really less of a post and more of a kind of note to myself. Latelly I've been thinking about how lately I've had soo much stuff to do and that I want to do and I need to schedule and plan. So I just thought to myself "Well, I want to improve one somethings as well so why not schedule some time in for those to?" So next week I'm going to start. First week will be about reading since I got some really good books at the school library, for the entire week I will try to watch as little T.V. as I can (but I'm not going to completely give up O.o I can't live without my Full Metal Alchemist!) and just read. Next week I will work on Kung Fu and practice my forms and write down all the stuff I know in my notebook since testing is coming up soon and we need to write everything we know in a notebook. Then the week after that I will get to practicing my trumpet, try to get my tounging faster, practice the things we're going to play for the concert, practice the harder parts in my pep band music (since state basketball is coming up) and be able to play higher notes cleaner. It just bugs me how instruments like the piano and guitar and such anyone can easily play a high note instantly while wind based instruments have to constantly work at it...And then the fourth week (which wont be a week soo much as probably a month) I will work on physically improving. Black Belt test is coming up in three months and I need to be able to hold and the stances for 15 minutes each (and there are 5 stances which means an hour and fifteen minutes of standing and you have to go as low as you can x.x ugh, torture. Well at least it's not as bad as first degree black >.> bending a piece of metal with your throat e.e at least I can't get that till I'm 18) that and I kinda want to get a little more buff for Loki's sake XP I'm kinda flabby around the middle. Maybe I'll eat healthier but thats harder than to start flossing and everybody knows starting to floss is about as hard as trying to give up a crack addiction....so no promises.

Finally sumn positive ^^

I had an awesome day today! It was the beggining of the new semester so all our grades restart and we get new schedules and everything. The only class that changed was swimming so my World History class was moved from 2nd period down to 5th and I now have Aerobic Walking second period. The day started out a bit unlucky though, I was walking to the bus stop and when I got there I remembered that I had Loki's letter in my pocket so I had to go back to my mailbox and mail it but I was just in time for the bus. Of course when I got to school Alec, Brent, and I went to the cafeteria and got our new schedules and I was 3rd in line which was awesome cause right after I got mine the line was half way across the room. We hung out a bit longer till 1st period and turns out my friend Jermey was in my first period which was pretty cool but our friend Stephanie was flipping out because she can't stand our combined "intelligence" but it's easy to tell she's a friend because even if she hates our stupidity she still talks to us and stuff and wants us to be her partners even though she gives us the loser sign the second she sees one of us. 2nd period was cool because all the teacher did was tell us what walking class was about and then we sat around in the gym for about an hour. My friends Brad and Campy (Danny) were talking about computers most of the time so I was completely lost and just listened to my MP3 player most of the time and watched the muscle headed weight training class attempt at playing basketball. 3rd period was math which is my favorite class even though I suck at the class itself. I got some good friends in there but we don't sit at the same table like last semester so we just threw notes at each other that were complete nonsense. Lunch was pretty cool, my friend Molly is back at school now instead of being home schooled and she said hi but she stood in the lunch line most of the time so we didn't talk much. 4th was band and we got a new clarinet player and at the same time one dropped out. The poor soul, all people who drop out of band in high school are cursed to get hit by a bus. But the new girl was going to join the trumpets but hers was in the shop and played clarinet. It would have been cool to get a new trumpet but I doubt she would be all that good. She says she hasn't played since 7th grade and she got braces and as people have told me its hell to play a brass instrument with braces. Mr. Swecker had surgery done on his arm recently and I had heard rumors we would watch the video of the surgery but we didn't ^^ all though he promised us some really graphic pictures of it tommorow. Oh, and he even complimented Ryan and I on how much we have improved over the semester but I wish he could have put it in a better way X.x he said "At first Eric didn't even know what end of the horn to blow through and Ryan couldn't open his case! Now look at them." World History was pretty cool. Jeremy, Stephanie and I are all in the same class again and sit together. Stephanie always complains she doesn't get it but thats because she just sits there drawing pictures of cats instead of doing the reading which is less then 3 pages. It kinda reminded me of 9th grade when we were all in the same math class and had half of the period to do whatever we wanted and there were only maybe 15 people in the class. We decided to restart our old tradition when we finished our work and Jermey and I passed a paper back and forth drawing random crap on it like superman on crack and a flying whale and a giant mouth that was also the sun and inside it was a man with an axe that had bacon on it! ^^ It's odd what we come up with. Biology was just damn boring and I have no friends in there. After school on the bus I talked with Kim and Melinda about stuff and then we look on the ground and theres a girls pad on in the isle XD I point to it and say "Umm...is that what I think it is?" and she looks and says "Naw" then she looks again and gos "HOLY CROUTONS!" and then when a little kid was getting on the bus he picks it up and throws it away and the bus driver just gives him this look like o.o "ummmm..." lol. When I got home my day got ever better ^^ because Loki had a good day too because she got a uber cool haircut and everybody complimented her on it. I wished we could talk more though...The basketball game was good. This asshole wouldn't leave me alone and I told him to fuck off >.> he just wouldn't shut up, damn annoying show off symphonic band dipshit...It was a girls game so there wasn't many people but it was a good game. We were ahead by alot till the third quarter and they started catching up. But in the end we won by 3 points. Well, thats about it I suppose. ^^ I hope the rest of the week goes as good as this day (except for the lil bad parts, I guess it's impossible to have a perfect day but this was still pretty good.)

whos to say whats normal

It's odd how lately I tend to only post when something really crappy or bad happens? (well, there is one big crappy bad thing that happened but umm...that one I'd rather not post about) Well this thing is sort of on the fence so to speak. It's really bad but it could get worse. My friend Joel is really in a bad situation. His dad is forcing soo much pressure on him it's breaking him down. Lately he's had these attacks where he laughs and cries at the same time and can't really decide what to feel. His dad has gotten on has pretty bad about school because he has been having really bad grades even though hes really smart, just not wanting to apply himself. He is already clinically depressed and his dad always complaining about his work (who is a teacher at his school) is not helping. I really worry about him. He says on monday he took twenty sleeping pills...Luckily nothing bad happened. He already takes counseling and such and it doesn't seem to work to well. His friends and I talk to him and it seems we might help. It's just hard to tell knowing him he might simply be manipulating us. Being as crafty and ingenious as he is (even though he may not seem it) he could just be all tricking us into thinking we're helping, I just hope thats not the case. What is especially tricky is his outlook onlife. He knows there is no right or wrong, good or evil, just simply ideas, and he knows that all humans are basically machines that are here to reproduce and we can manipulate ourselves into thinking how ever we want to think. His logic just makes too much sense that it becomes hard to argue with him. I just hope what I said to him may help in some miniscule way, so that maybe his life will not end by his own hand. I love him like a brother and I don't want to lose him...We have known each other since kindgarten and he's the best friend I have. I'm just really scared for him and this has been going on for a while even if he doesn't show it. To think he would have died if those sleeping pills actually worked, to think that he attempted to take his own life is just...frightening...to think I could be standing over his coffin with an everlasting smile on his face, one that was glued to his face in attempts to have us remember the good old times, have us think he died happy when it was really his overwhelming frustration and sadness that got to him....its overpowering....

A Night of Learning

Well my dad finally had a talk with my sister about her converting to Islam. I guess now I've learned why I developed a habit of eves dropping, it's how I find things out that people wont tell me. It just bugs the hell out of me when people don't tell me things that are important or involve me somehow. It's like they can't trust me or think I'm ready for this information. But before I write an entire paper I might as well write this down while it's fresh in my mind. My sister came out of her room crying when my dad finally came home from pool. He was half way through the kitchen when she burst out in tears. Turns out when my mom called from Arkanasas they had gotten onto the subject of driving and soon it progressed to how my mom was becoming emberrased to be seen with my sister in public because part of being a Muslim is that you must cover nearly every part of your skin except your hands and face and my mom thought that instead of hiding herself from the prying eyes on men and their hormones that she was actually drawing attention to herself from every sex and age. She kept asking why my parents cannot except her ideas. But now I know where I have learned to think, it was as if the words that I would have spoke went straight from my mind and out my dads throat. (well except for the refrences to his youth and such. It turns out my dad was once mormon which is pretty much opposite what we have grown up as. For those who don't know mormons are known for going to church every single day of the week but once my dad was eighteen and moved out he hasn't gone to church since. He found it to just be more of a social gathering rather than worship.) There was alot of different subjects flying that they debated over but a couple things did get run over a couple times. My dad said "Your getting to serious way to fast and your letting all of this break apart our family and we can't do anything together." He meant this because in Islam you must pray many times a day and my dad likes to do things with us sometimes but she doesn't want to go because she has to pray. And of course she used some of the oldest and most common teenage phrases "Why can't you just let me do what I want? It's not effecting you." But like I said there was alot going on but the base of it all was like my dad said, she is going way to fast and I would have to agree with that. Lately she has gone Muslim crazy, decorating her room, reading the Qua'rn nonstop, her desktop and my space and every customizable type of electronic medium is decked out in Muslim like an obsessed college kid but with caligraphy, and she already didn't eat meat but her diet hasn't exactly gotten all that much better since converting (Imagine my crappy diet, no fruits or veggies only minus the meat which is basically my only source of nutrients even if they are fattening)and ordering things off the internet like fancy headscarfs and books. I think it really is outside forces, i.e. friends that have gotten her convert. We have had this sort of problem in my family once before but to a lesser extent since it did not effect the entire family as much. She once converted to wicca and she wanted to go to all sorts of meetings and things but my mom wouldn't let her. My sister tried to get her to read a book she had found to maybe get her to understand but my mom never really did even though she said she did. Also one time my mom placed a clothes hanger on my sisters dresser but turns out she had proclaimed her drawers bursting with underwear an altar of sorts and she exploded on my mom. I don't really know what happened with that and all, it just seemed to fade. For a while the pictures of stars and became painted over and now they have reappeared instead as stars and cresent moons. I guess it really is those teenage years of gullibility and confusion that has caused her to hop around from one way of explaining life to another. Also it could have something to do with the fact that three of her boyfriends cheated on her and now she thinks if she hides herself from guys they wont see her as just a woman and as a person which is what the religion believes in but from my point of view, no offense to her or anything, but shes probably just using that as an excuse. I think these friends of hers that she has may not exactly be legitimate since apparently they have tricked her into paying for their international calls or at least I think they have, I was in the other room and it was kind of hard to hear so not all of this may be correct. My dad said "You think you know these people because you have talked to them over the internet but thats not enough." But the thing is in his opinion time is no factor in that situation, thinking no matter how long you talk to someone other than face to face you will never know them and I just have to disagree. Me and Loki know each other extremely well but thats because we have known each other for close to a year 4 months so we have had time. I think that is why my mom wasn't exactly excited about the idea of going to see Loki for a month because I met her over the internet and is using the excuse that she will miss me instead of telling me the truth. I guess that will have to be another conversation for another post but I am more than sure I can persuade her in numerous ways. It's a really good thing she met Loki and they got along well (My mom still thinks its funny how she went "So, Eric's mom! What is up!?") and if our moms talk I know she will be perfectly comfortable letting us get together. Although my dad is a completely different story. He says that I'm too young to get tied up in a relationship and doesn't want me to go. I guess now the only way to go is to get mom to back me up and if she's not 100% set on letting me go then I'm screwed...But all and all I guess I have learned somethings and thats what life is about. Now I'm actually glad I did that religion project and know why we did it in the first place lol.