Dark Side

Everyone has a side of them that they don't really like to display to the world or are afraid that it may take over. Just like my saying goes, you can't judge a book by its cover and you can't judge an author by their book. Everyone has something they want to hide, whether it be a memory that isn't really pleasurable, a secret that would destroy relationships, or just something that they like that others would not have guessed and it's hard for them to admit it. (*cough* I know one person knows what I mean ^^;;;;) I guess for me it's two parts of me that I don't admit to having very easily. One is my more violent and angry side. Few people have seen me mad, not just annoyed or upset, but punching the wall and yelling my head off kind of mad. I don't like to show it because I guess I'm kind of a control freak. When I get mad I do things that could have negative effects and once I come to grips with what I just did, I get depressed or sad. There are people that I would just like to strangle the life from with my bare hands but I know that violence doesn't solve anything, but sometimes I don't really give a damn. I have soo much anger stored up inside me sometimes that it becomes really hard to calm down. The other side that I don't like to show is.....well I guess you could call it hormones. I just.....well it's hard for me to just let it out because I don't want it to take control because all my life I thought that people that let their hormones control their brains were complete morons...but I guess it's who I am so why should I hide it? At times I think of just letting it out but I have never shown anyone much of that side so I don't know when exactly would be an appropriate time. It's nothing horribly bad, it's not like I want to go around grabbing random girls butts or anything, I guess it's just kind of a side of me thats a perv. ALthough it's not as bad as some people that I know like a person who calls himself a vagina with legs. *sigh* CURSE YOU TEENAGE HORMONES! >< People who have known me for a while know that I hate pervs and would hardly expect that....one thing that I have only told a couple people.....Maybe I'm just over reacting. I mean, it's not that big of deal I guess....

Thinkin...

Isn't it strange how soo many suffer yet sitting right beside them may be someone with the biggest grin of happiness on their face? I have not had to endure the pain that so many have. I feel stupid when I complain that I cannot see Loki only once a year while others have loved ones that go to war and they know that they may never come back. Soo many have gone through times in their life where everything seemed so hopeless that they actually consider taking their own life to make it all end. I am not poor, my parents are still together and both alive, I don't have drug problems, I am not struggling with a terminal disease, I have it good but I feel guilty. I'm sitting infront of a computer, beside a big screen T.V., eating chips, I am one lucky bastard yet there are others suffering. I feel sorry for them and want to help them but I am not exactly one to say "Oh, I'm so sorry, thats unfortunate." Imagine sitting in a waiting room and all the other people around you have terminal diseases. I try to offer advice and give a positive outlook but what do I know, never having been through anything even remotely like what they are going through? But the thing is, something bad has to happen sometime, nobody lives a spotless life all happy and smiling. But maybe it's all just karma? I have never done anything to hurt others intentionally really, sometimes I do of course but alot of times I try to ignore my urges. Maybe all that happens in life is karma or maybe it's all chance? I guess I should feel lucky....I guess I'm kinda like the average Joe that walks down the street and sees a bum trying to live another day and feels sorry for him so he gives him some change. But of course that brings back the idea of karma, maybe they deserve what they have become or maybe it's all just bad luck? But whatever it would be, I would still help them. Maybe my luck can rub off on others or theirs just might rub off on me. I don't know really, just thinking out loud is all...

Come and gone....

Finally....after 10 months of waiting it finally happens. Loki finally came and it was the best day of my life. After she called to try and get some directions I immediately went outside and waited in the grass at the top of the drive way for maybe an hour (or half hour....I don't know, I was just kinda lost in time) I sat in the shade as the hot sun beat down as I waited. I tried to keep my mind off being nervous and picked at the grass I was sitting on but I just couldn't help but wait anxiously, nearly having a heart attack whenever a car passed by. Finally her dad pulled into the driveway and I jogged along side to help them out. I shook her dads hand and she got out of the car and my foot would not stopping shaking, it was like I was like my leg was hypothermic. We just sort of awkwardly stood there for a couple seconds before I jumped at her and hugged her, almost pulling us both to the ground. I just couldn't belive it...I did what I had wanted to do for soo long and I have never been happier. I gave her the locket I had gotten for her and she gave me a dragon necklace. We both kind of had trouble getting them on so we helped each other. I looked at her and looked at the necklace and made a promise to myself I would never take it off, so that in someway I could always remember what it felt like to be able to hug her after all that time. Walking into the house we made the introductions and then and I showed her my room with all my dragons and stuff and gave her one of the paper hats I had made. And then I hugged her again, I don't remember how many times I hugged her but I know it was alot. We decided to go to the mall and hang out for a bit before going to see the movie. My mom gave us a ride and once at the mall we all decided a meeting time and then they let go but not before sticking Fuzzhead with us. He wasn't as bad as I thought he would be luckily, but was a bit annoying at times. We walked around and looked at diffrent stores, bought some candy and Mountain Dew and stuff. We met back up with my mom, Karis, and Daniel and they let us walk to the movies to have a lil alone time (although Fuzzhead was still stuck with us.) We bought the tickets (although Loki didn't want me to buy hers but her dad wouldn't give her money so she was kinda forced to) and waited as Karis and Daniel to get food. We decided to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory together, the theater was a little more crowded then I usually like it but I didn't care, Loki was with me and thats all that mattered ^^. We sat close to the front row and sat close together. She layed her head on my shoulder through most of the movie and I put my head on top of hers, her hair smelled nice. After a while I slowly tryed to scoot my hand over to hers but I was sort of scared. I just kept looking at her hand and couldn't decide really...but soon I just reached out and held her hand and she held mine as well. It was the first time I had ever been on a date and the first time I held anothers hand...I admit, I started thinking about never being able to see her again and I almost began to cry but I decided to cherish the moment and try to distract myself from such thoughts by watching the movie. At one point I tryed to open my Mountain Dew with one hand by using my mouth but it fizzed and I quickly shoved it in my mouth. I got some on my shirt and she said "Here, you can have your hand back." I guess on your first date something has to go wrong...The movie was great but belive it or not, the oompa loompas weren't my favorite part and I'm not going to say what was incase I start to sound like a broken record. Once out of the movie, Daniel decided to let us have some alone alone time without Fuzzhead and let us walk to the bowling alley/arcade together. We did have some time alone but soon her dad drove over and got us part way there because he didn't know how to get out of the parking lot apparently. I hate giving directions....At the highlander, Daniel and Karis left us and Fuzzhead to go bowling while they went over and had dinner at the Azteca restruant. I didn't really pay attention to the scores, I just had fun. We joked and around and talked while we bowled and then I went to the animal machine because my dad has gotten me addicted to them and after a couple trys I won a bear with fairy wings. It was kind of cheesy and I know that if someone else had tryed to give it to her she probably wouldn't take it. We then went over to the arcade part of the highlander and played some games. Loki and I played some airhockey, we sent the puck flying sometimes, Fuzzhead and I did some boat racing game but I got stuck with the hardest boat and on the hardest level so I just gave up and ran into walls, tryed to play dance dance revolution a couple times but it wasn't pretty....We ran out of quarters pretty quick so we just walked around a bit. At one point I was getting kind of sappy and asked for a kiss...I was just so nevrous I can't put it in words...I never kissed before and I didn't really know what to do or say....The first one was just sort of a peck but the second one was a good one. I don't think I'm a good kisser though....I just did it, and it was...well if you've had your first kiss, you would know. Finally....Daniel came in and told us she had to go and he would give us some time alone. We walked around holding each other, not going anywhere just walking and talking a bit. I gave her hugs and we held hands...she gave me a stand 53K braclet a while ago and I did the same as I had with the necklace, I would always remember holding her hand and will always wear it...plus im against smoking lol. I finally decided to say soemthing sappy and for once just said it instead of arguing with myself over it. I told her "I wish I could say this in person, so I'll do it now. One hundred times good morning...one hundred times good night...one million times I love you..." I sort of mumbled a bit but I hope she heard it...We walked outside together and the parents said their goodbyes. They gave us a little more time alone. We kissed one more time...her dad was about 30 feet away in the car atching but I didn't care...I love her and I wanted to do what I had wanted to do for so long but never could...to do what I always dreamed but never thought was possible...I kissed her and I wished that time would stop and the moment would go on forever...but as soon as we parted lips...I knew I would have to wait for a long time, for another moment like that...and it replays in my mind constantly....I told her goodbye and that I love her and we went our seperate ways to our cars. I rolled down my window and shouted one more time "I love you!" as I watched her go into the car and we drove off. I didn't talk much after that...my mom tryed to start a conversation but I didn't respond. I cryed and sniffled...and I can't help but do the same now, looking back at that day...I love you Loki, with all my heart...and I cannot wait till the day that we can see each other again...I had waited at least 10 months for a pitiful 8 hours...but I would wait years just for a minute...